The Deed is Done

Well. I messed up royally. I messed up so bad I left my mate hurting horribly. Confused and broken, her heart hurts because of me. I am only to blame in this situation. I was confused and befuddled at the time that this all went down, but I can see clearly now.

Clearly I was being used by someone. Someone I thought was my friend. And that caused me to hurt my mate, which caused me to now be living week to week in an extended stay studio apartment.

I am trying to spend time with her… little by little, slowly, so she can regain her trust in me. All I want is to make things right, and be with her again. And I can’t do that sitting down… I’ve got to stand up for once, and be independent, responsible, and trustworthy. I need to be an honest person living an honest life.

So that is what I will do.

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Oh, Utah.

Utah drivers are the worst. THE WORST. I remember reading a statistical poll that concluded Idaho had the worst drivers. I agree that Idaho drives like morons, it is true – however, I think Utah needed to be #1 on the list for bad driving.

When I moved here, I was appalled. Coming from WA where the traffic is terrible in the Seattle metro area, and people drive like crap over in Spokane due to the Idaho influence, I expected the population to be a lot better at operating moving vehicles. I was wrong.

I was made to take a computer test (why do they still refer to them as ‘written tests’?) before I could get my license in Utah. I think they seem to blame the out-of-staters for the driving issues, but if we have to take a test and native Utahns don’t, then there goes that theory right out the window.

Here is a non-comprehensive list of items that need work:

  1. Running red lights. Every day at least once, I see people running a red light. It is completely dangerous and ridiculous.
  2. Speeding. I am a fan of doing the speed limit. They wouldn’t set the limits at what they are if they didn’t think it wasn’t the safest possible. Plus, who wants a speeding ticket? Not I.
  3. Cutting people off. No one leaves any room between themselves and the car in front of them, so when people are merging over, it is a necessity to cut someone off. Leave more room between yourselves, people! Ever hear of the two car length rule? Because I live in Utah, I use about 2.5 car lengths. Just to be on the safe side. You never know.
  4. Driving while talking on their phone. I see this every so often, and usually the person is driving like an asshole. I’ll see someone do something stupid, and then when passing by, I’ll glance to see who it is (we all do this, c’mon) and usually it is someone on the cellphone.
  5. Big trucks parking like dipshits. Ok, so this isn’t related to the vehicle actually moving, but it is quite annoying. I think this is a problem everywhere (except Seattle where they shirk large trucks – in fact, you see a lot of scooters and egg-cars in Seattle more than anything). Next time you see a monster truck parked in the lot, check out how they parked. They are either taking up two spaces with their truck bed, or taking up two, maybe even 3 spaces with their sloppy angle. Not a fan.

Those are just a few things I hate about Utah driving. There are more, but those are my top 5 pet peeves.

I’d like to see a new list come out of the worst drivers, and have Utah be included as the #1 for worst. It would be highly accurate.

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March – No More Madness

So it is March. Already. Wow… time flies.

I went crazy there for a while. I went depressed a few weeks ago, which turned into a mixed bipolar episode into mania after starting a new anti-depressant which triggered it.

Now I am feeling like I am headed toward stability. I look back on the past month and a half and it all feels like a dream. I was literally out of my mind, pretty much.

I feel now so much calmer and clear-headed. I was so anxious. The anxiety was coming at me in crazy waves, and on a few particular occasions, it caused me to wretch/vomit which is always terrible. I started gabapentin as a replacement for the pregabalin, and it is working very well. And is very cheap. I started effexor, but it gave me very bad blurred vision, and I could barely see well enough to drive, and I couldn’t have that. I called the doctor and she had left a voicemail yesterday, trying to reach me. I stopped the medication. It had jolted me into mania last Monday, which continued for about 3 days. It was a euphoric mania, and felt great. I was dancing around in my living room to the old-skool “Off The Hook” DJ mix by Donald Glaude from the early 00’s.

I met my deductible finally, meaning now I can get my medications at the cheapest price available to me. Which hopefully means I can also get my asthma inhaler. The air in Salt Lake City in the winter is terrible. We live in an inversion zone, and right by oil refineries that pump out plumes of crap into the atmosphere at an alarming rate. So I’ve been coughing a lot.

Though, toward the end of February it started getting warm and sunny, and the inversion is gone. It’s been as warm as 60ºF, which is crazy, since winter doesn’t officially end until later this month. How bizarre! But I am liking it. It’s been in the 40’s now in the mornings, so I don’t need a jacket – and certainly not my winter one that is very warm.

I am still dealing with my mom’s death; sadness comes and goes. I think I stopped crying for the most part. Sometimes my eyes well up in tears, but not as often or as hard. I think she is probably adjusted to her new (old) surroundings, and is happy. Where she is, there is nothing but love. I like that. She deserves that.

Work has been slower than usual the past week. I’ve been able to get my work completed and then work on other projects. I think I have a hard time focusing when I am in the midst of an episode. I feel like the mental cloudiness is gone now. Which I am happy for. I need to figure out a way to change my schedule, though. I don’t see my mate as often as I would like. Only an hour each day, and 3 hours on Wednesday, the rest of the day on Fridays, all day Saturday and Sunday. So Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday kind of suck, but I’ll see what else I can do.

So, all is going much better now. I am so glad for that.

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So. Time To Write.

I think it is time for me to say things. I haven’t wanted to talk about how I feel, because I really don’t KNOW how I feel. I just talked to my step-dad for the first time since the memorial service for my mother. He is not doing so great, as is to be expected, and I feel bad. But he also kind of feels the same as I do, and what he tells himself every single day is: “I can not afford a mental breakdown right now.” It’s true; neither can I.

So I’ve been trying to talk about my feelings with my mate, and friends, and even texting my sister to see how she is doing. Though, I really don’t think she opens up as much, and probably feels just as terrible as the rest of us, but is hanging in there.

I have a problem talking about how I feel because honestly there’s no word for the emotion that I have. Yes, I miss my mom. I am sad she died. I’m worried about medicine problems (My high-deductible HSA plan turned out to be a bad idea, now I have to try and get some of my meds free through different aveneues, and went off of one because of the price). I’m feeling frustrated with my mate sometimes. I’m feeling distracted and anxious at work. I am feelig a lot of things, and if I break them all down, I can say them, but if you ask me what mood I’m in, I really can’t tell you.

So that is why I have not written in a while. I don’t know what to say. I will keep trying, though, because it is important, and I know insted of burying my head in the clouds, it is better to get it all out and not bottle it all up.

So there’s that.

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It’s all Relative

So. I’ve been trying to ‘hang in there’ after my mom’s death, and at first I think I was doing ok. I went through a few stages of greif, like they say you do. Anger and sadness so far. But now there’s a 6th stage that I really don’t like. It is called Extreme Anxiety. It started about a week ago and has snowballed since then. Whenever I get to work, I feel ill, like with flu symptoms. Just awful. And I feel like gagging (and therefore throwing up). When I get home I feel better because I am in more comfortable surroundings, and the anxiety is a lot less.

 

I went to the doctor yesterday and he said that being at work could agitate the grieving process, hence the anxiety, and he prescribed some medication. I was also out of a certain medication that is absolutely necessary, but too expensive out of pocket with this stupid HAS High-Deductible plan I chose to switch to, and so he prescribed a substitute that is also expensive. I’m going to see if I can get samples of the other stuff. I also applied for assistance.

 

In another note, one of my main anti-anxiety/healthy-brain meds ran out and it was going to be over $300 out of pocket each month! Holy… so I just stopped taking it. That’s when the anxiety ramped up. It was about 3-4 days after my last dose of it. So I hopefully can get assistance through the programs I applied in, to get my meds that I need.

 

So.. things are just ‘dandy’ right now. I try to meditate, try to stay positive, but it is very hard. I wish I could call my mom and ask her for her advice…

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See You Soon Mom

My mom died Thursday January 14th at 1:00AM Pacific time.

 

I don’t know what else to say.

 

I flew up there for her service and spent time with family.

I’m missing her everyday.

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My Mom

Right now, my mom’s name is Jan. She is a loving mother and a good wife to my step-father. Her sense of humor is very sarcastic and fun. She is fun to talk to for hours and hours, about anything.

She and I share a lot of the same beliefs in things like spirituality, metaphysics, and the paranormal.

She and I are very close.

Soon I will be using these things in the past tense, as any time between now and tomorrow she will be gone.

I cry because I will miss her. That is the human side. I am happy for her that she’s going home… her real true home, and jealous, as it is full of love and light and peace. So I don’t feel bad for her, just her suffering.

 

Today I had my sister hold the phone up to my mom’s ear. She is non-responsive, doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep. It is almost time now. But I told my mom how much I loved her, and that I’d see her again soon, and to go to her happy place once she moves on with her journey into the life after lives. I told her how much we all loved her, and how she was loved. It felt good to be able to say goodbye. Originally she was going to die with dignity via doctors, but this is happening quicker than that could allow.

 

Mom, I love you and I will never forget you. I will see you again, and you can show me the beautiful quiet forest that you always dreamed about.

 

Be well, with love and light.

 

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A little late and more in-depth

So it is a new year. This means resolutions and reflections. Resolutions to improve something in your life for the coming year, and looking back on your previous year, remembering the fun times and the bad times. I used to never do resolutions, because I’d see other people break their own not too long after making them. So I thought the idea was silly. Besides why start something new just because the calendar says it is a new cycle of the earth traveling around the sun? But I’m starting to feel like improving myself and looking inward is not such a bad idea, and if you can set it up at the beginning of a year, maybe you can keep track of things better. Monitor your progress better.

 

I have a mood chart that I keep to track my moods, medication, and other things for my bipolar disease. I could keep a diary or journal (or simply write in this blog?) each month with an update on how I feel I’ve come in my progress toward my resolutions.

 

First, I will discuss the previous year. 2015 was a little hectic and tumultuous. I moved 700 miles, to a new state that I really don’t know much about. I am still learning things. That to me was an adventure, and a little scary. I don’t know anyone here. I don’t have friends or family here. So that was interesting. It was a time of getting used to things and getting situated.

 

I had some good times this year though. Living only 15 minutes (on foot, 53 minutes by car) to downtown and also the capital building is pretty cool. It is a lot of fun to explore and take advantage of all the city has to offer.

 

Other good memories include running in the summer and fall out on the trail by the river. You’d see many different kinds of animals and birds (this state has the most different species of birds I have ever seen) and it was refreshing and nice. I lost weight that way. I’d eat one meal a day, usually a vegetable (I know, I know… unhealthy way to live) and then I would run a mile and walk a mile back to the car. Doing this for 5 months or so helped me go from 180 lbs down to 145 lbs. Awesome!

 

My job became very fulfilling and enjoyable upon being given the opportunity to do something different and a little more familiar to what I did in my home state. That made me happier and more comfortable with things in the workplace. So that made a big impact, a big difference.

 

Going to see Dave Matthews Band with the mother in law and mate was a really fun experience, as well. We stayed at their house in Nevada, and saw the band play at Lake Tahoe. Dave Matthews Band put on a great show (as usual, when do they not?). We had other fun moments on that trip, such as seeing the Reno balloon races. I really liked Night Glow (Or maybe it is called The Glow Show), where the balloons light up in the early morning and do light shows to Dueling Banjos and other fun songs. Then there is Dawn Patrol, where the balloons go up into the sky at dawn and glow. Then there is the main event, Mass Ascension, when 100 hot air balloons ascend into the sky. What an awesome sight!

 

During Christmas we took vacation and had a great time. We were given a present during that time to go to an art studio and have a guided painting session, where we painted snow owls. That was a lot of fun. I enjoy painting, and it was neat having a professional go step-by-step and show you what to do and how to paint it. There were about 30 people and each owl turned out differently. It was neat to see. That was a really cool experience that I enjoyed.

 

What I did not enjoy, was worrying about my mother, who went to the hospital in October because of her COPD complications. She couldn’t breathe, and then she’d have a resulting panic attack, making it even more difficult to breathe. She was in and out of the hospital and then post-acute care facilities ever since then, with the majority of the time spent away from home, including Christmas. In early December I flew to Seattle and stayed at my mom’s home with my step-dad. I visited my mom each day I was there, in the post-acute care facility, where she had her own room, TV, bathroom, etc. It was hard to see her in the condition she was in. She hadn’t been eating much, and so was frail and skinny. She had to pause between words when talking to try and take in air. I was only there for about 4 days, but it was good to be able to see her, because I feared the end was near, and that the outlook for her was not good.

 

I was right about that. On New Years day she called me to tell me she was getting to go home and that at home some people were going to come and give her medicine. I thought, oh, that is good. She gets to go home!

Then the next morning I was awoken by a call from my step-dad, asking if my sister had told me what my mom was going to do. I hadn’t heard from my sister, but I told him mom had called me and said she was going home. He said yes, she is coming home, but did she tell you what she is going to do? I told him that my mom just said people were going to come to the house and administer her medication. He then explained that my mom is going home, and upon choosing a day, will have doctors give her an overdose of medication and she will then fall asleep, and never wake up again. In Washington state this is legal, and she chose to do this. He was upset and he cried.

 

For some reason, though, it made me a little relieved to know that she is going to be in control of her passing. Not a random day, not suddenly without us knowing. It would rather be like euthanizing a pet in the way that you get to be there, (I won’t get to physically be there though) and say goodbye appropriately. I’m going to ask my sister for a huge favor, and have her record a video on her phone of my mom talking to me, saying goodbye, so that I can have it forever, and whenever I miss her, play the video and feel loved. And maybe, if they are going to be there when she does this, someone can keep me on the phone so I can be present as well. I’m still thinking about that one, as I am not sure I would like to do that or not.

 

But I feel like she is miserable, and when you can’t breathe you panic and it just scares you so much. Living like that is terrible, and I think The Finger (the Universe, God, fate, whatever you choose to call it) made me be present for my beloved cat, Joey, while she was dying from congestive heart failure. Her lungs were full of fluid and no matter what they did, they couldn’t help her. She was trying to breathe and had barely any lung function. She was literally suffocating. They had her in an oxygen chamber, and when taken out of it she would clamor for the tank and the panic in her eyes just saddened me and I told the doctor I needed to give Joey some peace, and that peace would only come when she went to heaven. I couldn’t be physically present to see the euthanisation, but I had seen the misery she experienced by not being able to breathe, and so I was able to understand my mom’s decision to self-euthanize a lot better than I think my step-dad and sister probably do. I want mom to be at peace, and feel better again. Afterward, when she goes home (the true home, not the temporary one here on Earth), she won’t even need to breathe. She will just be pure light and energy, and feel happiness and love. Overwhelming joy and love. And that is better than suffering. I will miss her incredibly, because we are very close, but I won’t let myself slip off into a depressive episode. I will be happy that she is now happy and will always be with me. And it makes me feel comforted by knowing I will get to see her again, and more than likely get to be a part of another life with her in the future (souls in the same cluster tend to stick together upon returning for a new life, so you are usually with them in different lives frequently, though perhaps as different relationships).

 

So 2015 was a very interesting year for me. A lot of different emotions. I went through mania and depression, and had a few periods of relative stability. As medication goes, I only skipped my medication about 3 times. That helped keep things in check. Though I went through episodes, they were not extreme, and I did not suffer psychosis.

 

I learned a lot about myself in 2015, and as such, have come up with a few resolutions for 2016. They are being more responsible, doing things with whole heart (no half-assing things anymore), and being more honest. I also had an epiphany after speaking with my step-dad about my mom’s decision, that for whatever reason, I needed to be more strong, physically.

 

In terms of being physically strong, I’ve started running again, and doing intervals of quarter miles, trading back and forth with my mate. While she runs, I do push ups, crunches, bear climbs, hula-hoop rotations, and any other exercises we can come up with.

 

And half-assing things. I grew up for 6 years as a child with my father who was a hoarder and messy. I didn’t do chores. Clean my room? What does that mean? So when I moved in with my mom, I was undisciplined in the area of being tidy and doing tasks and chores. She had me during the daytime do dishes, water all the plants, clean up my room, and take the trash up to the street, among other miscellaneous things. But when I did them, I did them as someone who didn’t like doing them, and did them quickly and sloppily. To this day I rush through things I don’t like doing. I strive this year to do things with whole-heart, and fully complete any and all tasks given to me with attention to detail and the correct way.

 

Being responsible. I live paycheck to paycheck, and I always have. Savings account? I have one, but is it in use? No. Loans? Yes. Borrowing out of my 401k? Yes. Keeping track of important things? No. Keeping up with my to-do list/calendar activities? No. I need to be a more dependable person. I need to be responsible. I need to see things through, and get important things done, and keep them in check. I want to do that this year. I want to be that person.

 

Last but definitely not least, is honesty. I am a pathological liar, and I just realized that in December. I lie to get out of things. I lie about general crap that I know nothing about, having an answer for the question anyway. I want to be an honest person. I want to say to myself, “Is what I’m about to do something I would lie about doing? If so, is it worth coming clean and being honest about it? No? Then don’t do it.” No being sneaky, either. If I do something that my mate wouldn’t like me doing, tell her about it anyway. Just to be an honest person. No more being sneaky or telling lies.

 

Those are the 4 things I plan to do/be this year. I am going to work on them and report in this blog each month on how I’m doing. I also plan on meditating more. Clearing the mind of junk, being calm, being present in the moment. I want calmness and peace for myself, and for my family as well.

 

So, happy new year to all. I hope yours goes well too.

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Music Mode

Has anyone out there used the Music Mode player from last.fm on Windows 10? I am finding that I really like it, although I wish it had 2 things that I really almost require in a music player: The ability to drag and drop files into a playlist, and larger album art. Other than that, this combs your library and you can sort by genre, artist, decade, year, album, etc. Pretty neat.

2016-01-12

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Not This Year.

I decided today that I am not going to do a top 10 music this year. It just takes up too much of my time listening to brand new stuff, ad never getting a chance to listen to anything that I already own. I might, at the end of the year, write a brief article on some releases that really caught my attention, but nothing more.

I love music, and I love discovering new artists, albums, tracks. But it consumes my time in doing so. I just went through my Music Mode and found about 50 80’s and 90’s acid albums, many which I haven’t listened to yet. Ain’t nothing like acid techno, I say.

cowgirl

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