Oh Bipolar… Go Away.

Things have been tumultuous again. I went through a manic, irritable, not sleeping phase – then I crashed and now all I want to do is sleep. I went negative in my checking account 3  days after getting my paycheck.

My dad sent me some money to help me. I really appreciate it, because I really need it. I am stating to feel better. I had skipped a few doses of my anti-depressant and now I am back on it again and soon I know it will help. Also exercise is helping, and getting the right kind of sleep.

My mate and I have been having a hard time with things because of it. There was one day she told me that she was done with me.

What will become of me?

5 Essential Steve Roach CDs

Steve Roach is awesome.

The Echoes Blog

The #2 Icon of Echoes and His 5 Essential CDs

Steve Roach has s released nearly 50 solos albums and just as many collaborations, so narrowing his  output down to 5 CDs is daunting. So I have limited myself to pure Steve Roach solo albums, leaving behind great works with his Suspended Memories group and his pair of CDs with Robert Rich.    Roach is so prolific that albums often blend together, but when you start pulling them out over  an expanse of time you can hear the monumental shifts in sound he’s explored over the last 30 years.

Steve Roach is #2 among 20 Icons of Echoes and of all the icons, I’d say he’s made the most uncompromising and challenging music, often forcing listeners ears into new and uncomfortable terrain.

SYou can see a complete list of the 20 Icons of Echoes.

1 Dreamtime Return

View original post 419 more words

Feeling Better.

In my last entry, I was feeling a little down. My energy was low. I feel better now. I’ve been running everyday, and nearly every one of those days involves being in the sunlight. Sunlight has been known to help bipolar depression, as well as exercise. I have been a little less irritable, and a little more relaxed.

I still have anxiety problems but I found I can manage them easier. I also created a “habit chain” where I do certain tasks for 21 days and then I should naturally feel the inclination to do them. One of them is meditation. I find it so difficult to concentrate, or to sit still. But I am determined to do it no matter what.

I just hope I start losing weight. I’m a little overweight and it doesn’t seem to be coming off quickly. I need to adjust my eating habits, I am pretty sure. It is harder than I thought.

Wish me luck.

 

 

 

Lately…

I’ve been feeling ‘blue’ lately. I’m having a hard time with my mate, a lot of the time, because I can’t stop wanting my way all the time, or ignoring problems, or generally acting irresponsible. I have bad anxiety and want to shut myself out from the world. It hasn’t turned into full blown despair, however if I put my toe one inch over the line it could happen.

I’m reading this book called “Lightworker”. It is about Indigo Children, all grown up now (a Gamma Generation Indigo child was born from about 1979 to 1988), and how we all are starting to “wake up” now. A lot of us share common traits, depression, anxiety, mental disorders, addiction, etc because the darkness of the earth, the low and sludgy vibration is pulling us down. We get caught up in the material and have lost our purpose. A lot of us had a hard time in school. I grew up in the time before ADD/ADHD so I didn’t get that part of it, but I had attention problems, and motivation issues. I suffered in school work.

Our purpose is to bring light to the world… to make change somehow. Earth is slowly dying and we’ve been sent here to help prevent that from happening, or at least delay it somehow. We were meant for something greater and special, but most of us have been taught at an early age that psychic abilities do not exist.

Other traits of Indigos include psychic or extra-sensory perceptions. There are different fields and qualities of these, but for me, I noticed after reading halfway into the book that I am sensitive to touch. Certain fabrics, certain textures bother me, and this means my hands would be good for healing. Healing ailments, and sicknesses. This is what I’ve had dreams about, and had intuition that I would be good at. It is something I’ve actually looked into.

My mate is slightly skeptical, and I can understand that. When I went manic about 5 years ago for about 2 weeks, I thought I was Jesus reborn again or some such thing, and went on a “I am the chosen one” kick for a while. So now she is wary, as one would be, about this sort of thing, and worries I slide into mania too easily with this way of thinking.

But this is something I’ve thought my whole life. I’ve had OOB’s when I was a young child, I’ve had premonition/prohetic dreams, I’ve had extreme psychic intuition. I had my mom do a reading once for me to discover my spirit animal, and it was a hawk. She guided me through a forest and a desert and the first animal I saw would be the one that would be my guide.  (I wonder if Ospreys count? Go Seahawks!!!!)

Anyway, I WAS meant to do something special, perhaps heal with my hands. I need to figure out how to do this, but first I need to get positive again, and let the white light inside again. I need to feel light once more.

Indigo-Children_Blog

 

Running My Shoes Off

So my wonderful blue and yellow Under Armour shoes that I purchased last May finally died. I probably put about 5,000 miles on them. They were very lightweight and comfortable. And never hurt my foot even once. And now they do. That is how I could tell they were on their way out. Now I can only wear them as casual shoes.

So, with that being said, I purchased a new pair of Under Armour running/walking shoes. They are grey camo and silver with orange treads on the bottom. With good traction (the last pair had 0 traction so I slipped a lot in the rain). I had heal pain from the old shoes the last time I used them (walked 7 miles around downtown) and these new ones don’t give me any pain. I only feel the heel pain when I take them off and walk around the house in socks.

This summer I plan to run and walk my little shoes off. Not literally, but I signed up for several running and fitness apps that sync with my Fitbit (and soon, my Garmin, if my mate gets a TomTom). My mate signed up, as well as her mother, so we’re all in competition to see who ends up being the healthiest overall come August 1. Meaning, who has the most steps, lost the most weight, walked the most miles, anything.

I’ve made a new habit of walking up steep hills by my residence. I live at the bottom of the hill that the capitol is on, (aptly named Capitol Hill) and I remember last year nearly passing out while climbing up the hills to get to it). Cardiovascular health has become important to me since I became a slug for a while.

So wish me luck. Wish all 3 of us luck! I really hope to lose 28 lbs by Aug 1, and not get winded after running a quarter of a mile. I’d like to be healthy when it comes to fitness. That is the ultimate goal.new-shoes

The Deed is Done

Well. I messed up royally. I messed up so bad I left my mate hurting horribly. Confused and broken, her heart hurts because of me. I am only to blame in this situation. I was confused and befuddled at the time that this all went down, but I can see clearly now.

Clearly I was being used by someone. Someone I thought was my friend. And that caused me to hurt my mate, which caused me to now be living week to week in an extended stay studio apartment.

I am trying to spend time with her… little by little, slowly, so she can regain her trust in me. All I want is to make things right, and be with her again. And I can’t do that sitting down… I’ve got to stand up for once, and be independent, responsible, and trustworthy. I need to be an honest person living an honest life.

So that is what I will do.

Oh, Utah.

Utah drivers are the worst. THE WORST. I remember reading a statistical poll that concluded Idaho had the worst drivers. I agree that Idaho drives like morons, it is true – however, I think Utah needed to be #1 on the list for bad driving.

When I moved here, I was appalled. Coming from WA where the traffic is terrible in the Seattle metro area, and people drive like crap over in Spokane due to the Idaho influence, I expected the population to be a lot better at operating moving vehicles. I was wrong.

I was made to take a computer test (why do they still refer to them as ‘written tests’?) before I could get my license in Utah. I think they seem to blame the out-of-staters for the driving issues, but if we have to take a test and native Utahns don’t, then there goes that theory right out the window.

Here is a non-comprehensive list of items that need work:

  1. Running red lights. Every day at least once, I see people running a red light. It is completely dangerous and ridiculous.
  2. Speeding. I am a fan of doing the speed limit. They wouldn’t set the limits at what they are if they didn’t think it wasn’t the safest possible. Plus, who wants a speeding ticket? Not I.
  3. Cutting people off. No one leaves any room between themselves and the car in front of them, so when people are merging over, it is a necessity to cut someone off. Leave more room between yourselves, people! Ever hear of the two car length rule? Because I live in Utah, I use about 2.5 car lengths. Just to be on the safe side. You never know.
  4. Driving while talking on their phone. I see this every so often, and usually the person is driving like an asshole. I’ll see someone do something stupid, and then when passing by, I’ll glance to see who it is (we all do this, c’mon) and usually it is someone on the cellphone.
  5. Big trucks parking like dipshits. Ok, so this isn’t related to the vehicle actually moving, but it is quite annoying. I think this is a problem everywhere (except Seattle where they shirk large trucks – in fact, you see a lot of scooters and egg-cars in Seattle more than anything). Next time you see a monster truck parked in the lot, check out how they parked. They are either taking up two spaces with their truck bed, or taking up two, maybe even 3 spaces with their sloppy angle. Not a fan.

Those are just a few things I hate about Utah driving. There are more, but those are my top 5 pet peeves.

I’d like to see a new list come out of the worst drivers, and have Utah be included as the #1 for worst. It would be highly accurate.

March – No More Madness

So it is March. Already. Wow… time flies.

I went crazy there for a while. I went depressed a few weeks ago, which turned into a mixed bipolar episode into mania after starting a new anti-depressant which triggered it.

Now I am feeling like I am headed toward stability. I look back on the past month and a half and it all feels like a dream. I was literally out of my mind, pretty much.

I feel now so much calmer and clear-headed. I was so anxious. The anxiety was coming at me in crazy waves, and on a few particular occasions, it caused me to wretch/vomit which is always terrible. I started gabapentin as a replacement for the pregabalin, and it is working very well. And is very cheap. I started effexor, but it gave me very bad blurred vision, and I could barely see well enough to drive, and I couldn’t have that. I called the doctor and she had left a voicemail yesterday, trying to reach me. I stopped the medication. It had jolted me into mania last Monday, which continued for about 3 days. It was a euphoric mania, and felt great. I was dancing around in my living room to the old-skool “Off The Hook” DJ mix by Donald Glaude from the early 00’s.

I met my deductible finally, meaning now I can get my medications at the cheapest price available to me. Which hopefully means I can also get my asthma inhaler. The air in Salt Lake City in the winter is terrible. We live in an inversion zone, and right by oil refineries that pump out plumes of crap into the atmosphere at an alarming rate. So I’ve been coughing a lot.

Though, toward the end of February it started getting warm and sunny, and the inversion is gone. It’s been as warm as 60ºF, which is crazy, since winter doesn’t officially end until later this month. How bizarre! But I am liking it. It’s been in the 40’s now in the mornings, so I don’t need a jacket – and certainly not my winter one that is very warm.

I am still dealing with my mom’s death; sadness comes and goes. I think I stopped crying for the most part. Sometimes my eyes well up in tears, but not as often or as hard. I think she is probably adjusted to her new (old) surroundings, and is happy. Where she is, there is nothing but love. I like that. She deserves that.

Work has been slower than usual the past week. I’ve been able to get my work completed and then work on other projects. I think I have a hard time focusing when I am in the midst of an episode. I feel like the mental cloudiness is gone now. Which I am happy for. I need to figure out a way to change my schedule, though. I don’t see my mate as often as I would like. Only an hour each day, and 3 hours on Wednesday, the rest of the day on Fridays, all day Saturday and Sunday. So Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday kind of suck, but I’ll see what else I can do.

So, all is going much better now. I am so glad for that.