After the two attempted break-ins, we’ve been paranoid. Every little sound wakes us up in the night (despite white noise machine) and we just sit up for hours listening to the noises outside. The owners are old and don’t like change, and are refusing to put up any motion lights back in the alley there, or a regular patrol, and the management company basically laughed in our faces when we asked about going to the housing authority or some other higher power.

So, we are going to leave. It doesn’t make sense to sit there and feel fear every night before you go to bed… as an adult afraid of the dark now, I feel real silly. But also real frightened. We should feel safe in our habitat, not paranoid and irrational everytime there goes a bump in the night.


The Intruder

So wednesday Sept 28, I was getting ready for bed, with the lights on in the bedroom, when I heard something at the window. There was a thumb, then a knocking sound, and then tapping. I flew out of bed and grabbed my phone. I went outside to the back fire alley where our bedroom window is at shin-level, and shined a flashlight. I figured I’d need to do that before calling 911 otherwise wouldn’t that be embarassing if it was something else?

I saw a silhouette of a man with a red shining thing that was either a small penlight or the red tip of a smoking cigarrette. I dialed 911 and within minutes there were 6 cops, and a K9 unit at the apartment. They did a thorough search and found nothing, except advised there was a hole in the fence. They did a sweep through my apartment to make sure no one had gotten in.

Again on Saturday night my mate and I were watching a movie in the living room, when she thought she heard the cat doing something. I got up and she asked what it was. “oh, nothing except someone trying to get in through the window…” she jumped into action with her camera and I got my baseball bat. She knocked hard on the window, and whomever it was knocked right back. We knocked on the neighbor’s door as well, and he went out there with a bat and a flashlight. No one was there, they must have left.

At that time, all we’d had was a dowell in the window. Now we have the dowell, a window lock, and a security bar wedged in there.  So we feel a little safer. Plus now there are randomly timed police patrols out there.

Our neighbor fixed the fence hole. Then we discovered a bench propped up against the fence behind us, and we toked and prodded and pushed and it crumpled into a dilapidated crush on the ground. For someone to try and use it again would be really stupid.

Still feel violated and anticipatory of when it could possibly happen again…

So I am trying to calm myself the best I can.

Taking a Knee

OK. I have to comment on this whole Kaepernick/NFL players kneeling before the American National Anthem before their games. It is a controversial issue that just won’t go away, so why not put in my own .02.

So Colin Kaepernick from the San Francisco 49’ers decided to take a knee rather than stand for our National Anthem before a pre-season game and all subsequent games as a protest, stating something along the lines of ‘Why would I want to stand for the flag of a country that opresses black people and people of color’.

A lot of people, the majority, commend his actions, stating that the opression by cops and other groups of people of black people must stop, and must stop now.

I disagree with his taking a knee, and here is why.

The Anthem was penned by Francis Scott Key after the war of 1812, after witnessing the Battle of Baltimore by the British Navy. It is an ode to the fact that our independence still stood; as the symbol of it still flew through the wind despite a bloody bombardment. This Anthem was written to say that we are one nation, under solidarity, and the message for current days, is that we are free. Free from colonialism, free from many things that a lot of countries don’t get the luxury of having.

Black lives matter. Hispanic lives matter. White lives matter. Indian lives matter. ALL LIVES F’IN MATTER. We are all people in this country – we are all people in this world.

kneeling before America’s National Anthem not only shows disrespect for freedom from tyranny, it also shows disrespect for those veterans and current members of the military who fight/fought for the freedom of this country. Having a sort of Father-In-Law who served in the United States Navy, I can understand the intolerance of such an act.

Since Kaepernick’s kneeling, 27 – ish more black men and *even more white men* have been shot by police.

Here is why I think, when it appears to happen unjustly, that it happens in the first place. It all dates back to equality. Stay with me here. Black people are disenfranchised. So much so that a black person wearing a hoody looks more sketchy than a white person wearing a hoody. Want to know why? Black people live in impoeverished areas where drugs are found. Where weapons are used more frequently. Where issues with the police are frequent. I’d venture to guess there aren’t as many Armani suit wearing black people as there are black people in hoodies and baggy jeans.

Black people shuld never be profiled. I am against that. There are many good white people and many bad white people. Same for any race. But what black people need to realize – and everyone for that matter, is that they created their own circle swinging culture of this behavior themselves. They call each other the ‘N’ word, which is the most demoralizing and disrespectful word anyone could call them. They shoot EACH OTHER, and have problems with each other in their own communities. They perpetuate the violence *themselves*. I don’t know of many other races who call themselves by disparaging names and then shoot each other. White people have originally created this inequality that exists (don’t tell me it doesn’t exist), but black people have taken and run with it.

Kneel for the Anthem that has nothing to do with the improverished, the profiled, the men who look suspicious. But just know that the Anthem has everything to do with staying united, being one, working toward the good of man, freedom, and the ability to love all for all they are.

The flag still stood after battle, and it will always stand at stporting events regardless of what you believe in. It’s always going to be there. Will you still take a knee 20 years from now while it still stands? If so, it’s message will still be clear.


A Great Various Artists Album

If you’re into psychill or psybient music, you will just love.. LOVE the new Various Artists album “Starseed”. (https://synphaera.bandcamp.com/album/starseed)It has tracks by the likes of Ascendant, Martin Nonstatic, Germind, Chronos, etc. and it is beautiful.

That reminds me to put in a plug in for soma.fm internet radio with no commercials, and it is free. They rely on donations from people who listen, or from merchandise of theirs that is purchased. They have over 20 stations, I believe, but my favorite, Space Station Soma plays a lot of psychill, psybient, and ambient with beats. Very chill, but very cool because they play a lot of everything. So if you want to check them out, just go to soma.fm and you’ll get to sample every channel they have and pick a favorite like I have. I recommend it.

Anyway back to my point, I first heard Ascendant on Space Station Soma, and now I am in love with those albums. There are three, all on bandcamp, and all are beautiful psybient tracks. (the most recent album is https://synphaera.bandcamp.com/album/meridian)

I highly recommend checking these albums out if you love chill music. Very good stuff. In fact, I am surprised Ascendant isn’t on the Ultimae label!

The Love & Hate of Being Bipolar

If you’re bipolar, raise your hand. 2.6% of all people in the United States have bipolar. So that could mean YOU. If not, sorry to scare you. Anyway. My struggles lately have been exhausting. First I’m up then I’m down them I’m up then I’m down… then I’m stable but OOOOO not for long!

Right now I don’t know what I am. I’ve been taking my meds as prescribed, but am feeling edgy, irritable, cranky, can’t focus, lots of anxiety. I’ve also, however, been feeling fatigued, sleepy, ‘inside myself’ (quiet non-talky moods) and just generally a pain in the ass to all who are around (meaning my mate). At work I’ve been pulling myself together, mostly, and when I have a problem I meditate.

I need to do even more meditating though, maybe more than once a day. I need to be sure to stay on top of my meds. I spoke with my doctor who said that we will watch and see how things go. She goes on maternity leave soon, so I won’t be able to have a session with her soon until January. So we’ll see how this next week goes — if I can get a handle on things. I just need to get a handle on things. No more bipolar hangovers, no episodes, please! Because, if I’m not up, I’m down, or in between and I am getting real tired of it.

Aren’t you?

Oh Bipolar… Go Away.

Things have been tumultuous again. I went through a manic, irritable, not sleeping phase – then I crashed and now all I want to do is sleep. I went negative in my checking account 3  days after getting my paycheck.

My dad sent me some money to help me. I really appreciate it, because I really need it. I am stating to feel better. I had skipped a few doses of my anti-depressant and now I am back on it again and soon I know it will help. Also exercise is helping, and getting the right kind of sleep.

My mate and I have been having a hard time with things because of it. There was one day she told me that she was done with me.

What will become of me?

5 Essential Steve Roach CDs

Steve Roach is awesome.

The Echoes Blog

The #2 Icon of Echoes and His 5 Essential CDs

Steve Roach has s released nearly 50 solos albums and just as many collaborations, so narrowing his  output down to 5 CDs is daunting. So I have limited myself to pure Steve Roach solo albums, leaving behind great works with his Suspended Memories group and his pair of CDs with Robert Rich.    Roach is so prolific that albums often blend together, but when you start pulling them out over  an expanse of time you can hear the monumental shifts in sound he’s explored over the last 30 years.

Steve Roach is #2 among 20 Icons of Echoes and of all the icons, I’d say he’s made the most uncompromising and challenging music, often forcing listeners ears into new and uncomfortable terrain.

SYou can see a complete list of the 20 Icons of Echoes.

1 Dreamtime Return

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Feeling Better.

In my last entry, I was feeling a little down. My energy was low. I feel better now. I’ve been running everyday, and nearly every one of those days involves being in the sunlight. Sunlight has been known to help bipolar depression, as well as exercise. I have been a little less irritable, and a little more relaxed.

I still have anxiety problems but I found I can manage them easier. I also created a “habit chain” where I do certain tasks for 21 days and then I should naturally feel the inclination to do them. One of them is meditation. I find it so difficult to concentrate, or to sit still. But I am determined to do it no matter what.

I just hope I start losing weight. I’m a little overweight and it doesn’t seem to be coming off quickly. I need to adjust my eating habits, I am pretty sure. It is harder than I thought.

Wish me luck.





I’ve been feeling ‘blue’ lately. I’m having a hard time with my mate, a lot of the time, because I can’t stop wanting my way all the time, or ignoring problems, or generally acting irresponsible. I have bad anxiety and want to shut myself out from the world. It hasn’t turned into full blown despair, however if I put my toe one inch over the line it could happen.

I’m reading this book called “Lightworker”. It is about Indigo Children, all grown up now (a Gamma Generation Indigo child was born from about 1979 to 1988), and how we all are starting to “wake up” now. A lot of us share common traits, depression, anxiety, mental disorders, addiction, etc because the darkness of the earth, the low and sludgy vibration is pulling us down. We get caught up in the material and have lost our purpose. A lot of us had a hard time in school. I grew up in the time before ADD/ADHD so I didn’t get that part of it, but I had attention problems, and motivation issues. I suffered in school work.

Our purpose is to bring light to the world… to make change somehow. Earth is slowly dying and we’ve been sent here to help prevent that from happening, or at least delay it somehow. We were meant for something greater and special, but most of us have been taught at an early age that psychic abilities do not exist.

Other traits of Indigos include psychic or extra-sensory perceptions. There are different fields and qualities of these, but for me, I noticed after reading halfway into the book that I am sensitive to touch. Certain fabrics, certain textures bother me, and this means my hands would be good for healing. Healing ailments, and sicknesses. This is what I’ve had dreams about, and had intuition that I would be good at. It is something I’ve actually looked into.

My mate is slightly skeptical, and I can understand that. When I went manic about 5 years ago for about 2 weeks, I thought I was Jesus reborn again or some such thing, and went on a “I am the chosen one” kick for a while. So now she is wary, as one would be, about this sort of thing, and worries I slide into mania too easily with this way of thinking.

But this is something I’ve thought my whole life. I’ve had OOB’s when I was a young child, I’ve had premonition/prohetic dreams, I’ve had extreme psychic intuition. I had my mom do a reading once for me to discover my spirit animal, and it was a hawk. She guided me through a forest and a desert and the first animal I saw would be the one that would be my guide.  (I wonder if Ospreys count? Go Seahawks!!!!)

Anyway, I WAS meant to do something special, perhaps heal with my hands. I need to figure out how to do this, but first I need to get positive again, and let the white light inside again. I need to feel light once more.