It’s all Relative

So. I’ve been trying to ‘hang in there’ after my mom’s death, and at first I think I was doing ok. I went through a few stages of greif, like they say you do. Anger and sadness so far. But now there’s a 6th stage that I really don’t like. It is called Extreme Anxiety. It started about a week ago and has snowballed since then. Whenever I get to work, I feel ill, like with flu symptoms. Just awful. And I feel like gagging (and therefore throwing up). When I get home I feel better because I am in more comfortable surroundings, and the anxiety is a lot less.

 

I went to the doctor yesterday and he said that being at work could agitate the grieving process, hence the anxiety, and he prescribed some medication. I was also out of a certain medication that is absolutely necessary, but too expensive out of pocket with this stupid HAS High-Deductible plan I chose to switch to, and so he prescribed a substitute that is also expensive. I’m going to see if I can get samples of the other stuff. I also applied for assistance.

 

In another note, one of my main anti-anxiety/healthy-brain meds ran out and it was going to be over $300 out of pocket each month! Holy… so I just stopped taking it. That’s when the anxiety ramped up. It was about 3-4 days after my last dose of it. So I hopefully can get assistance through the programs I applied in, to get my meds that I need.

 

So.. things are just ‘dandy’ right now. I try to meditate, try to stay positive, but it is very hard. I wish I could call my mom and ask her for her advice…

My Mom

Right now, my mom’s name is Jan. She is a loving mother and a good wife to my step-father. Her sense of humor is very sarcastic and fun. She is fun to talk to for hours and hours, about anything.

She and I share a lot of the same beliefs in things like spirituality, metaphysics, and the paranormal.

She and I are very close.

Soon I will be using these things in the past tense, as any time between now and tomorrow she will be gone.

I cry because I will miss her. That is the human side. I am happy for her that she’s going home… her real true home, and jealous, as it is full of love and light and peace. So I don’t feel bad for her, just her suffering.

 

Today I had my sister hold the phone up to my mom’s ear. She is non-responsive, doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep. It is almost time now. But I told my mom how much I loved her, and that I’d see her again soon, and to go to her happy place once she moves on with her journey into the life after lives. I told her how much we all loved her, and how she was loved. It felt good to be able to say goodbye. Originally she was going to die with dignity via doctors, but this is happening quicker than that could allow.

 

Mom, I love you and I will never forget you. I will see you again, and you can show me the beautiful quiet forest that you always dreamed about.

 

Be well, with love and light.

 

A little late and more in-depth

So it is a new year. This means resolutions and reflections. Resolutions to improve something in your life for the coming year, and looking back on your previous year, remembering the fun times and the bad times. I used to never do resolutions, because I’d see other people break their own not too long after making them. So I thought the idea was silly. Besides why start something new just because the calendar says it is a new cycle of the earth traveling around the sun? But I’m starting to feel like improving myself and looking inward is not such a bad idea, and if you can set it up at the beginning of a year, maybe you can keep track of things better. Monitor your progress better.

 

I have a mood chart that I keep to track my moods, medication, and other things for my bipolar disease. I could keep a diary or journal (or simply write in this blog?) each month with an update on how I feel I’ve come in my progress toward my resolutions.

 

First, I will discuss the previous year. 2015 was a little hectic and tumultuous. I moved 700 miles, to a new state that I really don’t know much about. I am still learning things. That to me was an adventure, and a little scary. I don’t know anyone here. I don’t have friends or family here. So that was interesting. It was a time of getting used to things and getting situated.

 

I had some good times this year though. Living only 15 minutes (on foot, 53 minutes by car) to downtown and also the capital building is pretty cool. It is a lot of fun to explore and take advantage of all the city has to offer.

 

Other good memories include running in the summer and fall out on the trail by the river. You’d see many different kinds of animals and birds (this state has the most different species of birds I have ever seen) and it was refreshing and nice. I lost weight that way. I’d eat one meal a day, usually a vegetable (I know, I know… unhealthy way to live) and then I would run a mile and walk a mile back to the car. Doing this for 5 months or so helped me go from 180 lbs down to 145 lbs. Awesome!

 

My job became very fulfilling and enjoyable upon being given the opportunity to do something different and a little more familiar to what I did in my home state. That made me happier and more comfortable with things in the workplace. So that made a big impact, a big difference.

 

Going to see Dave Matthews Band with the mother in law and mate was a really fun experience, as well. We stayed at their house in Nevada, and saw the band play at Lake Tahoe. Dave Matthews Band put on a great show (as usual, when do they not?). We had other fun moments on that trip, such as seeing the Reno balloon races. I really liked Night Glow (Or maybe it is called The Glow Show), where the balloons light up in the early morning and do light shows to Dueling Banjos and other fun songs. Then there is Dawn Patrol, where the balloons go up into the sky at dawn and glow. Then there is the main event, Mass Ascension, when 100 hot air balloons ascend into the sky. What an awesome sight!

 

During Christmas we took vacation and had a great time. We were given a present during that time to go to an art studio and have a guided painting session, where we painted snow owls. That was a lot of fun. I enjoy painting, and it was neat having a professional go step-by-step and show you what to do and how to paint it. There were about 30 people and each owl turned out differently. It was neat to see. That was a really cool experience that I enjoyed.

 

What I did not enjoy, was worrying about my mother, who went to the hospital in October because of her COPD complications. She couldn’t breathe, and then she’d have a resulting panic attack, making it even more difficult to breathe. She was in and out of the hospital and then post-acute care facilities ever since then, with the majority of the time spent away from home, including Christmas. In early December I flew to Seattle and stayed at my mom’s home with my step-dad. I visited my mom each day I was there, in the post-acute care facility, where she had her own room, TV, bathroom, etc. It was hard to see her in the condition she was in. She hadn’t been eating much, and so was frail and skinny. She had to pause between words when talking to try and take in air. I was only there for about 4 days, but it was good to be able to see her, because I feared the end was near, and that the outlook for her was not good.

 

I was right about that. On New Years day she called me to tell me she was getting to go home and that at home some people were going to come and give her medicine. I thought, oh, that is good. She gets to go home!

Then the next morning I was awoken by a call from my step-dad, asking if my sister had told me what my mom was going to do. I hadn’t heard from my sister, but I told him mom had called me and said she was going home. He said yes, she is coming home, but did she tell you what she is going to do? I told him that my mom just said people were going to come to the house and administer her medication. He then explained that my mom is going home, and upon choosing a day, will have doctors give her an overdose of medication and she will then fall asleep, and never wake up again. In Washington state this is legal, and she chose to do this. He was upset and he cried.

 

For some reason, though, it made me a little relieved to know that she is going to be in control of her passing. Not a random day, not suddenly without us knowing. It would rather be like euthanizing a pet in the way that you get to be there, (I won’t get to physically be there though) and say goodbye appropriately. I’m going to ask my sister for a huge favor, and have her record a video on her phone of my mom talking to me, saying goodbye, so that I can have it forever, and whenever I miss her, play the video and feel loved. And maybe, if they are going to be there when she does this, someone can keep me on the phone so I can be present as well. I’m still thinking about that one, as I am not sure I would like to do that or not.

 

But I feel like she is miserable, and when you can’t breathe you panic and it just scares you so much. Living like that is terrible, and I think The Finger (the Universe, God, fate, whatever you choose to call it) made me be present for my beloved cat, Joey, while she was dying from congestive heart failure. Her lungs were full of fluid and no matter what they did, they couldn’t help her. She was trying to breathe and had barely any lung function. She was literally suffocating. They had her in an oxygen chamber, and when taken out of it she would clamor for the tank and the panic in her eyes just saddened me and I told the doctor I needed to give Joey some peace, and that peace would only come when she went to heaven. I couldn’t be physically present to see the euthanisation, but I had seen the misery she experienced by not being able to breathe, and so I was able to understand my mom’s decision to self-euthanize a lot better than I think my step-dad and sister probably do. I want mom to be at peace, and feel better again. Afterward, when she goes home (the true home, not the temporary one here on Earth), she won’t even need to breathe. She will just be pure light and energy, and feel happiness and love. Overwhelming joy and love. And that is better than suffering. I will miss her incredibly, because we are very close, but I won’t let myself slip off into a depressive episode. I will be happy that she is now happy and will always be with me. And it makes me feel comforted by knowing I will get to see her again, and more than likely get to be a part of another life with her in the future (souls in the same cluster tend to stick together upon returning for a new life, so you are usually with them in different lives frequently, though perhaps as different relationships).

 

So 2015 was a very interesting year for me. A lot of different emotions. I went through mania and depression, and had a few periods of relative stability. As medication goes, I only skipped my medication about 3 times. That helped keep things in check. Though I went through episodes, they were not extreme, and I did not suffer psychosis.

 

I learned a lot about myself in 2015, and as such, have come up with a few resolutions for 2016. They are being more responsible, doing things with whole heart (no half-assing things anymore), and being more honest. I also had an epiphany after speaking with my step-dad about my mom’s decision, that for whatever reason, I needed to be more strong, physically.

 

In terms of being physically strong, I’ve started running again, and doing intervals of quarter miles, trading back and forth with my mate. While she runs, I do push ups, crunches, bear climbs, hula-hoop rotations, and any other exercises we can come up with.

 

And half-assing things. I grew up for 6 years as a child with my father who was a hoarder and messy. I didn’t do chores. Clean my room? What does that mean? So when I moved in with my mom, I was undisciplined in the area of being tidy and doing tasks and chores. She had me during the daytime do dishes, water all the plants, clean up my room, and take the trash up to the street, among other miscellaneous things. But when I did them, I did them as someone who didn’t like doing them, and did them quickly and sloppily. To this day I rush through things I don’t like doing. I strive this year to do things with whole-heart, and fully complete any and all tasks given to me with attention to detail and the correct way.

 

Being responsible. I live paycheck to paycheck, and I always have. Savings account? I have one, but is it in use? No. Loans? Yes. Borrowing out of my 401k? Yes. Keeping track of important things? No. Keeping up with my to-do list/calendar activities? No. I need to be a more dependable person. I need to be responsible. I need to see things through, and get important things done, and keep them in check. I want to do that this year. I want to be that person.

 

Last but definitely not least, is honesty. I am a pathological liar, and I just realized that in December. I lie to get out of things. I lie about general crap that I know nothing about, having an answer for the question anyway. I want to be an honest person. I want to say to myself, “Is what I’m about to do something I would lie about doing? If so, is it worth coming clean and being honest about it? No? Then don’t do it.” No being sneaky, either. If I do something that my mate wouldn’t like me doing, tell her about it anyway. Just to be an honest person. No more being sneaky or telling lies.

 

Those are the 4 things I plan to do/be this year. I am going to work on them and report in this blog each month on how I’m doing. I also plan on meditating more. Clearing the mind of junk, being calm, being present in the moment. I want calmness and peace for myself, and for my family as well.

 

So, happy new year to all. I hope yours goes well too.

Music Mode

Has anyone out there used the Music Mode player from last.fm on Windows 10? I am finding that I really like it, although I wish it had 2 things that I really almost require in a music player: The ability to drag and drop files into a playlist, and larger album art. Other than that, this combs your library and you can sort by genre, artist, decade, year, album, etc. Pretty neat.

2016-01-12

Not This Year.

I decided today that I am not going to do a top 10 music this year. It just takes up too much of my time listening to brand new stuff, ad never getting a chance to listen to anything that I already own. I might, at the end of the year, write a brief article on some releases that really caught my attention, but nothing more.

I love music, and I love discovering new artists, albums, tracks. But it consumes my time in doing so. I just went through my Music Mode and found about 50 80’s and 90’s acid albums, many which I haven’t listened to yet. Ain’t nothing like acid techno, I say.

cowgirl

Top 10 in 2015

Wow is it that time again, already? Here is the top 10 of 2015. But instead of just Psychill and Psytrance recordings, I also provide the best IDM/Ambient/Other as well as the best Various Artists. A lot of time and work went into this one. I listened to many, many albums this past year in the genres of psytrance, goa psytrance, psychill, idm, ambient, and I’d like to think of this as an accurate portrayal of the amoutn of energy (at least 2-3 hours of music listening to new albums a day) of getting the opinions formed. As a result,  didn’t get to have a taste of nearly all of the albums I would like to have had. So instead of providing long winded reviews for each one, I’m going to include a Youtube sample and it can be up to you to decide on why you think it deserves to be the best. I can gaurantee you, that you will not be unimpressed with this undertaking.

Last year it was hard to find many winners, I am not sure why. Maybe everyone kept their treasures safe until it was 2015. Either way, there are a lot of gems here so pay attention! (Please notice that as far as psytrance goes, the first few winners are all Goa. This was a great year for Goa!)

Here is me, and this is me listening to good music: meeeeee

TOP 10 Psytrance 2015:

10. Goch – Terrapin: https://youtu.be/AGVYf39ygD8

9. Ocean Star Empire – Dots on Maps: https://youtu.be/uGijI-YrPk8

8. Digicult – Soul Samadhi: Soul Samadhi

7. Airi – Labrotec: https://youtu.be/Yi7iiPyTXD4

6. Ascent and Nature – Hypnotico: https://youtu.be/wbnWAeRMhYo

5. Ovnimoon – Holistic: https://youtu.be/mk85aJGthyQ

4.Jaraluca – Perpetuum Mobile: https://youtu.be/4BFQQPThuLE

3. Proxeeus- At The Mountains of Madness: https://youtu.be/4BFQQPThuLE

2. Lectro Spektral Daze – Voyage In Your Mind: https://youtu.be/-8D2NkZm5rE

  1. Night Hex – Viziuni Nocturne: https://youtu.be/al03CnaJMG0

 

Congrats to Night Hex, otherwise known as E-Mantra. This album is mystical, with deep trance and acid tones, very rich with hypnotic smooth flow. very nice. I recommend a listen.

TOP 10 PSYCHILL 2015

10. Flowertz – Kumbhaka: https://youtu.be/jZ1mYnVExUY

9. Man Of No Ego – Web of Life: https://youtu.be/8QgZadvUFc8

8. Astral Waves – Magnetique: Astral Waves – Magnetique

7. Makyo – Mystic Fire: https://youtu.be/weXEXpec-CU

6. Unusual Cosmic Process – Utopia: https://youtu.be/GDvfN1B2sLg?list=PLX8UX1pmQXsSFFnWbg0VTxnOboH_05b18

5. E-Mantra – Raining Lights: https://youtu.be/1jqve75LA8A

4. Sundial Aeon – Symbiosis: https://youtu.be/Vfi5NkoPHnA

3. Chronos – Technologica (with a nod to the remix album Animo); https://youtu.be/UpMDmThSayo

2. Stimulus Timbre – F.I.S.A.R.: https://youtu.be/LfraUDW0HWg

  1. Unusual Cosmic Process – Spacetrip: https://youtu.be/PXI2ju8zv1s

Congratulations to Unusual Cosmic Process, who put a really solid release out. through their work and dedication, we can see they put all the right pieces in all the right places for this to happen.

TOP 7 VA

Now, here is where i didn’t get a great chance at listening to the Various Artists compilations as much as I’d like to have. here are 7 gems that really spoke to me, though, and I think you’d enjoy them, too.

  1. Primal Drive 1 – zenonesque progressive : https://youtu.be/4ZVTSKA9WfE
  2. Primal Drive 3 – dark progressive :https://youtu.be/JJAqMjNerRE?list=PLUSRfoOcUe4Yen_EQRhgUMr2OBYX037Aq
  3. Chilling Dragon tales – psychill: https://youtu.be/J3D7WANR-6Q
  1. The World Beyond: https://youtu.be/Epw70EAt0Os
  2. Goa Spacetime: https://youtu.be/MgbQolMCoIQ
  3. The Mystery Of Crystal Worlds: https://youtu.be/si9kCMZkn5g
  4. The Mystery of Crystal Worlds Prologue : https://youtu.be/Cwe_8HLLCCA
  5. * – for some reason these last 4 wouldn’t change numbers and I couldn’t get them to. There are 7 here.

Congrats to all of these fine peices of music, where they all had their shining moments.

BEST AMBIENT/IDM/EXPERIMENTAL

  1. The Digital Connection – Chasing the Midnight sky: https://youtu.be/OuLeVeFquis
  2. Steve Roach – Sigh of Ages:https://youtu.be/mnYig-ogZYA?list=PLpWNKUQy9nm3MAxqxq7QMUHZmiKCeGT9O
  3. Celldweller – Transmissions Vol 1: https://youtu.be/lXkwNEzhaMs
  4. Ishq – Winter Light: https://youtu.be/87gMTrkWaqg
  5. Martin Nonstatic – Granite:https://youtu.be/ev1Rn1ltpu4
  6. Steve Roach – Alive in the Vortex: https://youtu.be/zCa_NIwJFnQ

Great job goes to the Digitial Connection. They put out a stellar album that made the top notch in this list.

 

What I am hoping you will come away with all of these each very diverse musical compilations, albums, and video examples, I hope you enjoy what you are hearing. You can then find these artists by bandcamp, psyshop.com, and of course, ektoplasm.com to dowload free albums and purchase for a small fee, the albums you enjoyed the most.

 

Good music listening to you all this 2016 season, and I wish you all the best.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, another year has passed by. Holy shit. I am getting older by the second. Before I know it, I/ll be 37 and wondering what the hell happened to age 36?

The year 2015 was interesting. I wouldn’t think of it as a bad year, nor a good one.. just an interesting year that I won’t be able to forget. Why? Because I moved 700 miles from where I’d previously lived. You never forget the year you moved somewhere.

Also, it is the year my mom went to the hospital in October and kind of never really went back home. Something like that shocks the hell out of you and you don’t really forget about it.

I’d like to think of myself as a versatile person who can accept change easily. But I am defiant, and it takes me a while. Moving from Washington to Utah was a labor unto itself, but leaving my identity behind (where you grow up leaves a mark on you) and starting fresh in a new city has been a challenge. Not because I don’t like where I live now, but because I miss where I lived before. No, not Spokane. That was just a pit stop on the way to something better. Spokane was Washington’s 2nd biggest city. And it was trashy and ghetto. I remember nearly starting a fight at the mini-mart down the street from the apartment I lived in because the proprietor and some customers in front of me were excited that my Seattle Seahawks had lost the Superbowl against the New England Patriots. I was manic at the time and I nearly lost it when they spoke ill will toward my hometown team. Also, a lady had been stabbed for no reason 100 meters away from the apartments I lived in. The perpetrator lived in the next-door apartment complex unknowingly for another 5 months before caught (trying to harm another person, in fact). Things like this made us uneasy, but we were tough, and vigilant. But it wasn’t home. Spokane didn’t feel like home, and I’ll be damned if I lived there long enough to tell anyone that I was “from Spokane”. No. I was really from Puyallup, and lived in Seattle therafter. So upon moving to Salt Lake City, since I didn’t make it quite to 5 whole years in Spokane, I told all who cared to listen, that I was from Seattle. A city I still pay allegiance to. Home.

Wow. I moved. To a new state! Not like moving to Oregon for 2 months at a time because of a girl crush. No. This was the real thing. A real adult thing. Thank the universe that I managed to score a job within the same company in Salt Lake City, and thank my lucky stars I was able to secure us an apartment to live in. Things worked out for us, but only by the skin of our necks. Things almost went awry, but they didn’t, so I am grateful.

So. Salt Lake City, Utah. A very interesting place to live, indeed! It is nestled up right into the large Wasatch mountain range, which boasts the best skiing/boarding in the country, with over 11 ski resorts. It is situated in a verdant valley in the middle of the desert, near a lake that is made with salt. Hence the name of the city, of course. There is much hiking, snowboarding, walking, shopping, and other fun things to do. We live about a 10 minute walk from Downtown Salt Lake City, and about a 10 minute walk (uphill) to the Capitol Building. Coincidentally I live on Capitol Hill, and when I lived in Seattle, I lived on Capitol Hill (although, Seattle is NOT the capitol of Washington. Some smaller town called Olympia is).

My job is very interesting, and I like what I do. I’ve been blessed to get to know some nice people, and that always makes  a world of difference. At first things were a little frosty but when I was recruited to help out on a special project things took a turn for the better. I feel I could do this job and excel, and perhaps learn and grow as a person whilst doing so.

A downside to 2015 was that in October my dear mother ended up in the hospital from her COPD. If you are wondering what that is, it is Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. It encompasses Emphysema and chronic Bronchitis. She went home once, maybe for 2-3 days before ending back up in the hospital, and then having stints at a post-acute care facility. Upon hearing of her dire condition in late November, I promptly purchased plane tickets and flew to Seattle to see her for 4 days. She seemed ok. She has problems breathing (her first trip to the hospital was because she had pneumonia), but a lot of it is from anxiety, and the doctors give her medication for that. But there was something peaceful and “away from the world” about my mom that I didn’t quite grasp. it wasn’t that she was truly comfortable at these places, but she seemed to accept the situation with a strange non-nonchalance that, if I were in her shoes, I would have taken more seriously and more dire. I hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek and said goodbye to her in early December, knowing, or at least thinking, that perhaps that could’ve been the last one from me that she’d get. All the while, of course, hoping it wouldn’t be. But let’s be honest. 20% lung function, in just one lung, with congestion, doesn’t leave you a lot of options in life. If she does get to go home, it will be with a home-care attendant. My step-dad was in a car accident and his ribs were broken, so he would not be of much help to her.

This all happened while I was already on a downward spiral from depression. I am bipolar and though on medication, it can be hard to control, and when it is controlled, I can still have episodes (though not as extreme as they’d be without medication). I have since bounced back and consider myself ‘normal’ (I keep being told by my mate that there is no such mood as ‘normal’ but I feel that there really is). I’ve been manic, depressed, and in-between with bipolar “hangovers” this year. I look forward to having a lot more stability this coming year.

I look forward to a lot of things this next year in 2017. Wait, what? It’s going to be 2016? Well now that’s more like it.

I’m going to work on being more responsible. My credit score is “fair” and perhaps worse than that (it has been 9 months since I checked it), my bank account is chronically short of funds, I’m constantly losing things, I keep forgetting to do things I’d promised to do, and I am always making excuses. No more of that.

I’m always lying, too. it was a part of me that I never really put focus on before. Lying. Lying to get out of things, lying to cover things up, lying just to say that I know shit that I don’t really know. Pathological! It wasn’t until just recently that I really thought about it. I am a lier. I lie a lot. Wow. That hurts! Myself more than others, in reality. It is not good for me. I need to be a more honest person.

So two things to strive for in 2016: Honesty and responsibility. I mean, for fucks sakes, I am going to be 37  years old in June. You’d think I wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck at 37 years old, and that I’d have to lie all the time about – well, anything. If I don’t know the answer, just say I don’t know! No one is going to think less of you! If you are about to do something in which you would have to lie to get out of it or cover it up — then should you be doing it? No!

So I have some things to work on. And I aim to do just that. I plan on having a very spiritually beneficial 2016. I want to grow as a person, and be the person that my mom would be proud of. I want to show everyone that I am awesome, and the flaws I currently have, would show that I am not. So, to hell with those flaws! I am going to be awesome.

Just watch me.

Goodbye 2015. Hello 2016. Nice to meet you.

Coming Soon…

Ah, yes. It is November. That means in a bit less than 2 months I will be posting the Top 10 Psytrance and Top 10 Psychill albums of 2015.

2014 was a year of BUST. It was difficult finding good music. 2015 was a no-brainer. It was difficult narrowing things down! I made a preliminary list, containing (teaser alert) Saltaux, Proxeeus, Gaddy, Unusual Cosmic Process, and more. Of course, that preliminary list has about 16 entries. I will need to pair down to 10. This means I have to finish listening to the other 30 albums that I haven’t heard yet from this year that I received.

This year I may add a Top 10 Ambient releases list, as well as a Top 10 Various Artists Compilation. We will see how that goes.

As per the previous entry, I have submitted a track for a Various Artists compilation. Actually I submitted 2 tracks. I am not sure which will be used. Will have to wait and see.

Various Artists

Last winter, I was proud to have been included in a Various Artists compilation from psyreactor. I am once again submitting some of my work from the Antarctica album for consideration. Here is the album from winter 2013/2014, available for free download Here.

Final Front

1.Sionnach-Water
2.Biosynthesis-Sadness Madness
3.Pranasonics-Patchwork
4.Redgloam-Starfield
5.Pranasonocs&Shift2penta-Falling Leaves
6.Oberon-All I Ever Wanted
7.Offline-Explorer
8.Shift2penta-Deep Talk