Wow, another year has passed by. Holy shit. I am getting older by the second. Before I know it, I/ll be 37 and wondering what the hell happened to age 36?
The year 2015 was interesting. I wouldn’t think of it as a bad year, nor a good one.. just an interesting year that I won’t be able to forget. Why? Because I moved 700 miles from where I’d previously lived. You never forget the year you moved somewhere.
Also, it is the year my mom went to the hospital in October and kind of never really went back home. Something like that shocks the hell out of you and you don’t really forget about it.
I’d like to think of myself as a versatile person who can accept change easily. But I am defiant, and it takes me a while. Moving from Washington to Utah was a labor unto itself, but leaving my identity behind (where you grow up leaves a mark on you) and starting fresh in a new city has been a challenge. Not because I don’t like where I live now, but because I miss where I lived before. No, not Spokane. That was just a pit stop on the way to something better. Spokane was Washington’s 2nd biggest city. And it was trashy and ghetto. I remember nearly starting a fight at the mini-mart down the street from the apartment I lived in because the proprietor and some customers in front of me were excited that my Seattle Seahawks had lost the Superbowl against the New England Patriots. I was manic at the time and I nearly lost it when they spoke ill will toward my hometown team. Also, a lady had been stabbed for no reason 100 meters away from the apartments I lived in. The perpetrator lived in the next-door apartment complex unknowingly for another 5 months before caught (trying to harm another person, in fact). Things like this made us uneasy, but we were tough, and vigilant. But it wasn’t home. Spokane didn’t feel like home, and I’ll be damned if I lived there long enough to tell anyone that I was “from Spokane”. No. I was really from Puyallup, and lived in Seattle therafter. So upon moving to Salt Lake City, since I didn’t make it quite to 5 whole years in Spokane, I told all who cared to listen, that I was from Seattle. A city I still pay allegiance to. Home.
Wow. I moved. To a new state! Not like moving to Oregon for 2 months at a time because of a girl crush. No. This was the real thing. A real adult thing. Thank the universe that I managed to score a job within the same company in Salt Lake City, and thank my lucky stars I was able to secure us an apartment to live in. Things worked out for us, but only by the skin of our necks. Things almost went awry, but they didn’t, so I am grateful.
So. Salt Lake City, Utah. A very interesting place to live, indeed! It is nestled up right into the large Wasatch mountain range, which boasts the best skiing/boarding in the country, with over 11 ski resorts. It is situated in a verdant valley in the middle of the desert, near a lake that is made with salt. Hence the name of the city, of course. There is much hiking, snowboarding, walking, shopping, and other fun things to do. We live about a 10 minute walk from Downtown Salt Lake City, and about a 10 minute walk (uphill) to the Capitol Building. Coincidentally I live on Capitol Hill, and when I lived in Seattle, I lived on Capitol Hill (although, Seattle is NOT the capitol of Washington. Some smaller town called Olympia is).
My job is very interesting, and I like what I do. I’ve been blessed to get to know some nice people, and that always makes a world of difference. At first things were a little frosty but when I was recruited to help out on a special project things took a turn for the better. I feel I could do this job and excel, and perhaps learn and grow as a person whilst doing so.
A downside to 2015 was that in October my dear mother ended up in the hospital from her COPD. If you are wondering what that is, it is Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. It encompasses Emphysema and chronic Bronchitis. She went home once, maybe for 2-3 days before ending back up in the hospital, and then having stints at a post-acute care facility. Upon hearing of her dire condition in late November, I promptly purchased plane tickets and flew to Seattle to see her for 4 days. She seemed ok. She has problems breathing (her first trip to the hospital was because she had pneumonia), but a lot of it is from anxiety, and the doctors give her medication for that. But there was something peaceful and “away from the world” about my mom that I didn’t quite grasp. it wasn’t that she was truly comfortable at these places, but she seemed to accept the situation with a strange non-nonchalance that, if I were in her shoes, I would have taken more seriously and more dire. I hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek and said goodbye to her in early December, knowing, or at least thinking, that perhaps that could’ve been the last one from me that she’d get. All the while, of course, hoping it wouldn’t be. But let’s be honest. 20% lung function, in just one lung, with congestion, doesn’t leave you a lot of options in life. If she does get to go home, it will be with a home-care attendant. My step-dad was in a car accident and his ribs were broken, so he would not be of much help to her.
This all happened while I was already on a downward spiral from depression. I am bipolar and though on medication, it can be hard to control, and when it is controlled, I can still have episodes (though not as extreme as they’d be without medication). I have since bounced back and consider myself ‘normal’ (I keep being told by my mate that there is no such mood as ‘normal’ but I feel that there really is). I’ve been manic, depressed, and in-between with bipolar “hangovers” this year. I look forward to having a lot more stability this coming year.
I look forward to a lot of things this next year in 2017. Wait, what? It’s going to be 2016? Well now that’s more like it.
I’m going to work on being more responsible. My credit score is “fair” and perhaps worse than that (it has been 9 months since I checked it), my bank account is chronically short of funds, I’m constantly losing things, I keep forgetting to do things I’d promised to do, and I am always making excuses. No more of that.
I’m always lying, too. it was a part of me that I never really put focus on before. Lying. Lying to get out of things, lying to cover things up, lying just to say that I know shit that I don’t really know. Pathological! It wasn’t until just recently that I really thought about it. I am a lier. I lie a lot. Wow. That hurts! Myself more than others, in reality. It is not good for me. I need to be a more honest person.
So two things to strive for in 2016: Honesty and responsibility. I mean, for fucks sakes, I am going to be 37 years old in June. You’d think I wouldn’t be living paycheck to paycheck at 37 years old, and that I’d have to lie all the time about – well, anything. If I don’t know the answer, just say I don’t know! No one is going to think less of you! If you are about to do something in which you would have to lie to get out of it or cover it up — then should you be doing it? No!
So I have some things to work on. And I aim to do just that. I plan on having a very spiritually beneficial 2016. I want to grow as a person, and be the person that my mom would be proud of. I want to show everyone that I am awesome, and the flaws I currently have, would show that I am not. So, to hell with those flaws! I am going to be awesome.
Just watch me.
Goodbye 2015. Hello 2016. Nice to meet you.