I think it is time for me to say things. I haven’t wanted to talk about how I feel, because I really don’t KNOW how I feel. I just talked to my step-dad for the first time since the memorial service for my mother. He is not doing so great, as is to be expected, and I feel bad. But he also kind of feels the same as I do, and what he tells himself every single day is: “I can not afford a mental breakdown right now.” It’s true; neither can I.
So I’ve been trying to talk about my feelings with my mate, and friends, and even texting my sister to see how she is doing. Though, I really don’t think she opens up as much, and probably feels just as terrible as the rest of us, but is hanging in there.
I have a problem talking about how I feel because honestly there’s no word for the emotion that I have. Yes, I miss my mom. I am sad she died. I’m worried about medicine problems (My high-deductible HSA plan turned out to be a bad idea, now I have to try and get some of my meds free through different aveneues, and went off of one because of the price). I’m feeling frustrated with my mate sometimes. I’m feeling distracted and anxious at work. I am feelig a lot of things, and if I break them all down, I can say them, but if you ask me what mood I’m in, I really can’t tell you.
So that is why I have not written in a while. I don’t know what to say. I will keep trying, though, because it is important, and I know insted of burying my head in the clouds, it is better to get it all out and not bottle it all up.
So there’s that.