March – No More Madness

So it is March. Already. Wow… time flies.

I went crazy there for a while. I went depressed a few weeks ago, which turned into a mixed bipolar episode into mania after starting a new anti-depressant which triggered it.

Now I am feeling like I am headed toward stability. I look back on the past month and a half and it all feels like a dream. I was literally out of my mind, pretty much.

I feel now so much calmer and clear-headed. I was so anxious. The anxiety was coming at me in crazy waves, and on a few particular occasions, it caused me to wretch/vomit which is always terrible. I started gabapentin as a replacement for the pregabalin, and it is working very well. And is very cheap. I started effexor, but it gave me very bad blurred vision, and I could barely see well enough to drive, and I couldn’t have that. I called the doctor and she had left a voicemail yesterday, trying to reach me. I stopped the medication. It had jolted me into mania last Monday, which continued for about 3 days. It was a euphoric mania, and felt great. I was dancing around in my living room to the old-skool “Off The Hook” DJ mix by Donald Glaude from the early 00’s.

I met my deductible finally, meaning now I can get my medications at the cheapest price available to me. Which hopefully means I can also get my asthma inhaler. The air in Salt Lake City in the winter is terrible. We live in an inversion zone, and right by oil refineries that pump out plumes of crap into the atmosphere at an alarming rate. So I’ve been coughing a lot.

Though, toward the end of February it started getting warm and sunny, and the inversion is gone. It’s been as warm as 60ºF, which is crazy, since winter doesn’t officially end until later this month. How bizarre! But I am liking it. It’s been in the 40’s now in the mornings, so I don’t need a jacket – and certainly not my winter one that is very warm.

I am still dealing with my mom’s death; sadness comes and goes. I think I stopped crying for the most part. Sometimes my eyes well up in tears, but not as often or as hard. I think she is probably adjusted to her new (old) surroundings, and is happy. Where she is, there is nothing but love. I like that. She deserves that.

Work has been slower than usual the past week. I’ve been able to get my work completed and then work on other projects. I think I have a hard time focusing when I am in the midst of an episode. I feel like the mental cloudiness is gone now. Which I am happy for. I need to figure out a way to change my schedule, though. I don’t see my mate as often as I would like. Only an hour each day, and 3 hours on Wednesday, the rest of the day on Fridays, all day Saturday and Sunday. So Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday kind of suck, but I’ll see what else I can do.

So, all is going much better now. I am so glad for that.


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