Lithium

This lithium stuff is great. As long as you drink a lot of water everyday. Anyway, I feel stable for the first time, and the longest time, in a very long while. But now I’m beginning to feel confused. Am I bored with life now that there’s no “manic drama”? Was I so used to being manic that I still exhibit rotten personality traits that I had when I was before? Am I bored? My mate swears something is going on.

In other news, I got a car finally. It needs a new catalytic converter so my step-dad sent me some $ to get that fixed. Then I can get emissions done, and then get my tabs and license plates and be a big girl driver. It’s a red 2001 Toyota Rav4, and I like it. My  friend Crissy named it God Almighty.

rav4-hdr

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The Worst Moments of 2016

2016 was a crap year – possibly the worst – and here is why:

10. My phone went all wonky and stopped working during filming at the Rodeo this past summer and I had to send it in for repairs which took 2 weeks. So I had to use a backup phone which was a pain in the butt – not as good as the one that went bonkers on me. Sounds silly, but this was an actual low point. I didn’t realize how much I rely on my phone for everyday things until that happened.

9. On the first day of warm weather in the spring, we went for a walk and over-did it. We went 10 miles round trip. And I hadn’t been ready. I am overweight, walk flat-footed and did not stretch first before going on our walk. So I ended up with plantar fasciitis in my left foot. I don’t know if anyone has had that before, but it is PAINFUL and hard to walk. I had to get inserts to walk on and it still doesn’t help that well. I then somehow did something to get it in the other foot as well so both feet have flantar fasciitis now. I do exercises and stretches and it helps but they are not healing very well. Ouch.

8. I was constantly having financial problems and had to take out some loans that were expensive to repay. Part of the problem was living aove my means just because I made so little money but still had lots of bills, but most of it was because of my poor spending habits.

7. I was manic most of the year. When I DID get stable, it would last less than a week and I would swing up again. I had many triggers this year and it was like one after another. The pummels just kept coming and it woul make me spiral out of control and that would then domino into other problems like fights and distance between me and my mate,or irrational thinking, delusional plans, irritability on a grand scale, agressiveness, and anger.

6. I had an auditory hallucination during an extreme manic episode in which I was highly paranoid due to (see #4 coming up). It didn’t really scare me at the tim, it just left me feeling like I must be crazy, and I had the neighbor listen and he couldn’t hear anything and I could hear it crystal clear. It was very weird and it was a sign that things were pretty bad, mental wise.

5. My step-dad’s father got colon cancer and then died from infections after the sucessful surgery to remove the cancer. I felt shocked and awful. Now he lost 2 imporant people (See #1) in the same year. What a blow. I loved my step-grampa too, he was a very good and funny person. He alawys asked how I was, and him and my step-gramma were always so good to me. I just feel awful.

4. In late September someone came to the back bedroom window in the fire alley and tried to get in. I called the cops and they found no one, but I had seen someone back there. About 3 or 4 nights later it happened again, this time my mate was home with me, and she and I both became very paranoid. The paranoia spread to almost every aspect of home-life. Every little bump, every sound, every momentmy heart was beating fast and i felt on edge and anxious the whole two and a half months left that we were there. We moved.

3. Shortly before moving, I was driving home on the freeway from work when a guy cut me off and I had to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid a collision. I ended up flipping my car and rolled 6 times down an embankment. My car landed right-side-up but facing the wrong direction, and somehow I just walked away. The medics checked me out and I had superficial wounds and a small concussion. My car was totalled, and now I am trying to save up for another one.

2. After #1 happened (see below) it set off a terrible chain of events where I “fell in with the wrong crowd” in a secret friendship that lead me to move out and leave my mate temporarily. It broke her heart and it was just a really awful situation. I amazingly was not manic at the time. I was calmly stable right before going into mania afterward. It was a terrible time and I feel regretful everytime I think of it.

  1. On January 14, 2016 my mother died. She died of COPD, as she had smoked cigarettes nearly her whole life. It was devastating. She had been in the acute care facilities about 3 or 4 times since october of 2015. Me and the family all kind of knew it was going to happen, but no matter how much you prepare or try to distance yourself from the situation, it effects you in ways you perhaps were not prepared for. On one hand I know how she is ina  place now where she doesn’t even need to breathe so she is at peace. But all the sameI miss her likehell,and sometimes go to pick up the phone to call her and realize I can’t.

This year sucked. F you, 2016. I plan on making 2017 a hell of a lot better. No one better die or get into car accidents or anything. let us just be tranquil.

Did I do My Resolutions?

In 2015 I vowed to do two things. I didn’t do a resolutions list like I did this year. I just explained what I needed to work on. Honesty and responsibility. I failed on all fronts. I resolved to stop lying. It is a cumpulsion and like a tic. I was better in 2016 than inprevious years but not that great, still. Any lying is not good. Responsibility was another one.I was irresponsible with a lot of things. I can’t say I acheived what I had set out to do or be.

My mom would definitely not be proud of me. And that hurts. I am going to print out the entry where I list my resolutions for 2017 and 3 ways I can acheive each one, and put it up somewhere to see it all the time. I really need to be abetter person. I all but destroyed the relationship with the one person I love the most. Breaks my heart that I could be so irresponsible with the heart of another like that.

I really have to work hard. It is not going to be easy. Next up: The worst of 2016. Wasn’t hard to come up with…

New Years Resolutions

Ugh I hate this part. I have so many things I need to work on. And I hate doing resolutions, no one ever sticks to them. Let’s see if I can!

  1. I want to be a more positive thinking person
  2. I want to be a less irritable person
  3. I want to lose at least 20 lbs
  4. I want to be a more honest person
  5. I want to be a more caring and loving person

There I think that covers about all of the “sub-genres” of things I’d like to work on. Now here are 3 ways for each thing that will help me accomplish them.

To be more positive I will:

  • Continue positive meditation practices
  • Have gratitude for all the wonderful things that I have, or have experienced
  • Turn around negative thoughts and think good things in comparison to them

To be a less irritable person I will:

  • Use empathy
  • Let arguments go by thinking “is it really that important?”
  • Think to myself “does this effect me?” and if not, let it go

To lose 20 lbs I will:

  • Continue to work my muscles daily
  • Continue to run (outside or inside)
  • Eat smaller portions of food

To be a more honest person I will:

  • Weigh the consequences of being truthful vs. non-truthful
  • Reward myself for being truthful
  • Keep an open mind on ways to accomplish the same end but by honest means

To be a more caring and loving person I will:

  • Be empathetic toward others, put myself in their shoes and walk a mile
  • Put others first before myself
  • Be grateful to others for what they give to me

I think I can accomplish those things. 🙂

2016 can kiss my @$$

2016 was awful. Yes, that is the first sentence of
my yearly reflections. It was a year of tremendous
downs… with barely any ‘ups’ unless you count
bipolar mania spouts. None of those were very
good, either.

On January 14, 2016 my mom died from COPD. I
flew in December to see her before she died, and it
was a weird time for me. I felt distant and I know
that was because I was “ostriching”… I didn’t want
to face what I knew was happening. I hugged my
mother goodbye after about a 3 day stay in
Tacoma, and flew back to Salt Lake City. A month
later she was gone, and I was back there again,
only this time, standing over where her ashes lay.

Something in me flicked a bad switch. I fell in with
“the wrong crowd” and doing some bad lying and
that ended up very badly with my mate whom I’ve
been with for 7 years. I moved out, spent all my
money on trying to find a place to live, and
eventually realized what I’d done and came
crawling back to my mate, who took me back in
under many different provisions.

The rest of the year was a terrible blur for a while,
of bipolar shennanigans, and trying to ‘get right’.

At the end of September, while I was in the
bedroom with the light on, getting ready to sleep,
someone came to the window. The bedroom
window was located at foot-level in a back alley. It
freaked me out so bad, that I went out behind the
building with a flashlight. I knew if I called 9-11 but
had no description or actual identification of the
problem, that nothing really could be done. So I
went back there and saw a person in the alley, and
they had a red penlight, or were smoking a
cigarette. I called the police who came with 6 cops
and a K9 unit. They searched the block and cleared
the apartment. They never found who it was. They
must’ve seen my flashlight and ran.
October 3rd, me and my mate were in the living
room, paranoid, when we heard a noise in the
bedroom. We thought it was the cat disturbing
things so I went to see what was going on.
Someone was at the window! So my gal knocked on
the window really hard, hard enough to make her
knuckles bruise. And they *knocked back*!! So she
started knocking hard on the neighbor’s wall, who
then ran outside ready to rumble but no one was
there.
There had been a bench we discrovered, propped
up against the fence adjacent to the property
behind us. Their motion light at night makes it so
that our bedroom window is the first dark window
closest to that fence. So we moved the bench but
couldn’t get it completely away from the fence.
That night we both heard the sound of the bench
trying to be moved back to the fence around 1am.
We mentioned it to one another later. Then we
completely got the bench away from the fence that
day. It was heavy, and eventually someone took it
away. But it didn’t take away my insanity…

I had been so paranoid and scared of break-ins,
and leary of all of the shady people in the
neighborhood that I eventually ended up having an
auditory hallucination while in a manic bipolar
state. One night I couldn’t sleep. It was midnight.
My mate was at work. I heard a noise coming from
the freezer. It sounded like a ‘digging’ or a scraping.
Like a little rat was back there. So I opened the
freezer and it was loud! And the food in there
looked ‘alive’ like it was going to come out on its
own any second. I shut the door and suddenly the
sound started to move. I got a glass and put my ear
up to the wall behind it. The sound moved 5 feet. I
went to the sound. It moved 5 feet. I moved, it
moved. Finally I had my ear to a glass on the wall
underneath the kitchen window. I was alarmed so I
when I heard my neighbor exit his apartment for
his midnight smoke, I dragged him inside to listen.
He heard nothing, and thought I was nuts. He left
and never was really very friendly toward me after
that. I went back on a higher dose of one of my
medications and it helped bring me back to life and
thankfully I never had the hallucinations again.

We decided after all the craziness that went on at
that place (the owners and management refused to
put up lights in the back or do anything security-
wise to help protect the tennants from break-ins or
other hazards) that we would just move. We found
a nice place and after about a month were finally
moving in.

On one of the last days before the move,
when driving back to the soon-to-be-old place from
work, a truck pulling a white trailer cut me off on
his way to sweep through 2 lanes to get to the exit
he almost missed. I swerved onto the shoulder to
avoid a collision, but ended up flipping my car and
rolling it 6 times down an embankment. A good
Sam came down to see if I was ok. He opened the
door for me and let me use his phone to call my gf,
who didn’t pick up because probably it was an
unknown number. And she never listens to her
voicemails so we searched and found my own
phone. I called 911 and then I called her again. The
state patrol came and the medics checked me out. I
had 2 cuts on the back of my right ear from when
my head hit the side of the car, and my glasses
sliced my ear. I had a slight concussion, but I could
walk and see fine and didn’t feel dizzy. They said
though that later if these symptoms popped up to
go to the doctor. I was fine for 2 or 3 days, then got
paranoid because I got a really bad headache
around the consussion area. The accident had
triggered me to go ‘up’ again, and I was frazzled. I
went to the urgent care and the next morning had a
CT and some X-Rays done. Everything was fine.
Thankfully it was paid for by my car insurance
company.

My car was totalled. I got $4000 for it. I’m going to
use $3000 to purchase another car when I can find
one. I, still frazzled, freaked out one day when I
found a guy who had an Isuzu Rodeo, just like my
mate had. It was a newer year, and was black. It
was about a 45 minute drive south. He said
someone offered $1300. I wanted to test drive it so
I told him if I liked it I’d just offer the $1500 he
wanted. So I said I’d come test drive it. I ran home
(to the new apartment) and dragged my mate into
her car to drive me there. We didn’t know where
we were going, and the directions were crap. We
finally got down into the area and I texted him. He
didn’t respond so I called and he said someone had
just come pay him $1400 and took it already. My
mate was angry, because I told her we’d offer only
$1300 tops, while I was telling him I’d offer more,
just so I could go see the car. I wanted it that badly.
But then it lead to angriness and a frantic ‘me’
desperately trying to hold onto my grace.

My poor step-dad lost his wife AND his dad in the same year. My step-grampa Bernie died of complications after colon cancer surgery. It was very sad. I was not able to attend the funeral.

And now here I am 2 weeks later still looking for a
car, and nursing the wounds of 2016. There are
only a small amount of days left of this crappy year
and I can’t wait for it to be over. 2017 is going to be
so much better.

The Love & Hate of Being Bipolar

If you’re bipolar, raise your hand. 2.6% of all people in the United States have bipolar. So that could mean YOU. If not, sorry to scare you. Anyway. My struggles lately have been exhausting. First I’m up then I’m down them I’m up then I’m down… then I’m stable but OOOOO not for long!

Right now I don’t know what I am. I’ve been taking my meds as prescribed, but am feeling edgy, irritable, cranky, can’t focus, lots of anxiety. I’ve also, however, been feeling fatigued, sleepy, ‘inside myself’ (quiet non-talky moods) and just generally a pain in the ass to all who are around (meaning my mate). At work I’ve been pulling myself together, mostly, and when I have a problem I meditate.

I need to do even more meditating though, maybe more than once a day. I need to be sure to stay on top of my meds. I spoke with my doctor who said that we will watch and see how things go. She goes on maternity leave soon, so I won’t be able to have a session with her soon until January. So we’ll see how this next week goes — if I can get a handle on things. I just need to get a handle on things. No more bipolar hangovers, no episodes, please! Because, if I’m not up, I’m down, or in between and I am getting real tired of it.

Aren’t you?

Oh Bipolar… Go Away.

Things have been tumultuous again. I went through a manic, irritable, not sleeping phase – then I crashed and now all I want to do is sleep. I went negative in my checking account 3  days after getting my paycheck.

My dad sent me some money to help me. I really appreciate it, because I really need it. I am stating to feel better. I had skipped a few doses of my anti-depressant and now I am back on it again and soon I know it will help. Also exercise is helping, and getting the right kind of sleep.

My mate and I have been having a hard time with things because of it. There was one day she told me that she was done with me.

What will become of me?

Feeling Better.

In my last entry, I was feeling a little down. My energy was low. I feel better now. I’ve been running everyday, and nearly every one of those days involves being in the sunlight. Sunlight has been known to help bipolar depression, as well as exercise. I have been a little less irritable, and a little more relaxed.

I still have anxiety problems but I found I can manage them easier. I also created a “habit chain” where I do certain tasks for 21 days and then I should naturally feel the inclination to do them. One of them is meditation. I find it so difficult to concentrate, or to sit still. But I am determined to do it no matter what.

I just hope I start losing weight. I’m a little overweight and it doesn’t seem to be coming off quickly. I need to adjust my eating habits, I am pretty sure. It is harder than I thought.

Wish me luck.

 

 

 

Lately…

I’ve been feeling ‘blue’ lately. I’m having a hard time with my mate, a lot of the time, because I can’t stop wanting my way all the time, or ignoring problems, or generally acting irresponsible. I have bad anxiety and want to shut myself out from the world. It hasn’t turned into full blown despair, however if I put my toe one inch over the line it could happen.

I’m reading this book called “Lightworker”. It is about Indigo Children, all grown up now (a Gamma Generation Indigo child was born from about 1979 to 1988), and how we all are starting to “wake up” now. A lot of us share common traits, depression, anxiety, mental disorders, addiction, etc because the darkness of the earth, the low and sludgy vibration is pulling us down. We get caught up in the material and have lost our purpose. A lot of us had a hard time in school. I grew up in the time before ADD/ADHD so I didn’t get that part of it, but I had attention problems, and motivation issues. I suffered in school work.

Our purpose is to bring light to the world… to make change somehow. Earth is slowly dying and we’ve been sent here to help prevent that from happening, or at least delay it somehow. We were meant for something greater and special, but most of us have been taught at an early age that psychic abilities do not exist.

Other traits of Indigos include psychic or extra-sensory perceptions. There are different fields and qualities of these, but for me, I noticed after reading halfway into the book that I am sensitive to touch. Certain fabrics, certain textures bother me, and this means my hands would be good for healing. Healing ailments, and sicknesses. This is what I’ve had dreams about, and had intuition that I would be good at. It is something I’ve actually looked into.

My mate is slightly skeptical, and I can understand that. When I went manic about 5 years ago for about 2 weeks, I thought I was Jesus reborn again or some such thing, and went on a “I am the chosen one” kick for a while. So now she is wary, as one would be, about this sort of thing, and worries I slide into mania too easily with this way of thinking.

But this is something I’ve thought my whole life. I’ve had OOB’s when I was a young child, I’ve had premonition/prohetic dreams, I’ve had extreme psychic intuition. I had my mom do a reading once for me to discover my spirit animal, and it was a hawk. She guided me through a forest and a desert and the first animal I saw would be the one that would be my guide.  (I wonder if Ospreys count? Go Seahawks!!!!)

Anyway, I WAS meant to do something special, perhaps heal with my hands. I need to figure out how to do this, but first I need to get positive again, and let the white light inside again. I need to feel light once more.

Indigo-Children_Blog

 

March – No More Madness

So it is March. Already. Wow… time flies.

I went crazy there for a while. I went depressed a few weeks ago, which turned into a mixed bipolar episode into mania after starting a new anti-depressant which triggered it.

Now I am feeling like I am headed toward stability. I look back on the past month and a half and it all feels like a dream. I was literally out of my mind, pretty much.

I feel now so much calmer and clear-headed. I was so anxious. The anxiety was coming at me in crazy waves, and on a few particular occasions, it caused me to wretch/vomit which is always terrible. I started gabapentin as a replacement for the pregabalin, and it is working very well. And is very cheap. I started effexor, but it gave me very bad blurred vision, and I could barely see well enough to drive, and I couldn’t have that. I called the doctor and she had left a voicemail yesterday, trying to reach me. I stopped the medication. It had jolted me into mania last Monday, which continued for about 3 days. It was a euphoric mania, and felt great. I was dancing around in my living room to the old-skool “Off The Hook” DJ mix by Donald Glaude from the early 00’s.

I met my deductible finally, meaning now I can get my medications at the cheapest price available to me. Which hopefully means I can also get my asthma inhaler. The air in Salt Lake City in the winter is terrible. We live in an inversion zone, and right by oil refineries that pump out plumes of crap into the atmosphere at an alarming rate. So I’ve been coughing a lot.

Though, toward the end of February it started getting warm and sunny, and the inversion is gone. It’s been as warm as 60ºF, which is crazy, since winter doesn’t officially end until later this month. How bizarre! But I am liking it. It’s been in the 40’s now in the mornings, so I don’t need a jacket – and certainly not my winter one that is very warm.

I am still dealing with my mom’s death; sadness comes and goes. I think I stopped crying for the most part. Sometimes my eyes well up in tears, but not as often or as hard. I think she is probably adjusted to her new (old) surroundings, and is happy. Where she is, there is nothing but love. I like that. She deserves that.

Work has been slower than usual the past week. I’ve been able to get my work completed and then work on other projects. I think I have a hard time focusing when I am in the midst of an episode. I feel like the mental cloudiness is gone now. Which I am happy for. I need to figure out a way to change my schedule, though. I don’t see my mate as often as I would like. Only an hour each day, and 3 hours on Wednesday, the rest of the day on Fridays, all day Saturday and Sunday. So Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday kind of suck, but I’ll see what else I can do.

So, all is going much better now. I am so glad for that.