The United States elections had me depressed. I noticed how we (democrats) were failing. Either bump this puppy into gear, or don’t win at all. But my fellow Democrats really tried their best. I donated money to the Clinton campaign as part of their last ditch effort. There was not much else I could do. The numbers had fallen. We were losing in the fact of madness and uncertainty. The polls had predicted a Clinton win/ So how did that happen?

With a man, a Presidential Nominee stating he’d investigate every opponent he could,  He stepped out of the race and into the title of President-elect Donald J. Trump.

I couldn’t believe my ears. On Facebook, I couldn’t believe my eyes. This country was no longer about upholding the values we all shared as a patriotic country… it was more to do with money and influence.

Trump takes offense at 3 different minority groups that I happen to be a part of. First, I am a woman. Trump thinks women are beneath him, and he will treat us any way he wants, because we’re women. We’re not important as men. That’s #1. #2 is that I am mentally disabled, with a mental illness which is claimed under the individuals with disabilities act. I should be protected.

I am 3 groups of people Mr Dump (I refuse to call him Mr. Trump) would like to see go bye-bye. Well you know what? Unlike some of my scared compadres moving North or South… I’ll be here just fine. I am sad, I am hurt, I am angry to the death of me but I will NOT tolerate any bigotry in the name of President Dump.

No matter what happens, no matter how much we protest and loot… the outcome will be the same. He will be president. So how about we make it a little hard for him?

We’ve got to ban together and do whatever is possible to make his presidency worst ever, including Bush W’s. We’ve got to really make it hard for this asshole to get away with passing any laws that prohibit the constitutional rights of other people.

It all starts at the bottom. Work your way up to working for politicians. Work for senators. Work for governors. Work work work. Don’t let them take your identity away. Don’t let them deport Muslims or Mexican Americans who’ve lives here their entire lives. It’s just NOT right, and Not OK. Let’s stick it to him.

Who’s with me, America? Let’s go!






After the two attempted break-ins, we’ve been paranoid. Every little sound wakes us up in the night (despite white noise machine) and we just sit up for hours listening to the noises outside. The owners are old and don’t like change, and are refusing to put up any motion lights back in the alley there, or a regular patrol, and the management company basically laughed in our faces when we asked about going to the housing authority or some other higher power.

So, we are going to leave. It doesn’t make sense to sit there and feel fear every night before you go to bed… as an adult afraid of the dark now, I feel real silly. But also real frightened. We should feel safe in our habitat, not paranoid and irrational everytime there goes a bump in the night.


Taking a Knee

OK. I have to comment on this whole Kaepernick/NFL players kneeling before the American National Anthem before their games. It is a controversial issue that just won’t go away, so why not put in my own .02.

So Colin Kaepernick from the San Francisco 49’ers decided to take a knee rather than stand for our National Anthem before a pre-season game and all subsequent games as a protest, stating something along the lines of ‘Why would I want to stand for the flag of a country that opresses black people and people of color’.

A lot of people, the majority, commend his actions, stating that the opression by cops and other groups of people of black people must stop, and must stop now.

I disagree with his taking a knee, and here is why.

The Anthem was penned by Francis Scott Key after the war of 1812, after witnessing the Battle of Baltimore by the British Navy. It is an ode to the fact that our independence still stood; as the symbol of it still flew through the wind despite a bloody bombardment. This Anthem was written to say that we are one nation, under solidarity, and the message for current days, is that we are free. Free from colonialism, free from many things that a lot of countries don’t get the luxury of having.

Black lives matter. Hispanic lives matter. White lives matter. Indian lives matter. ALL LIVES F’IN MATTER. We are all people in this country – we are all people in this world.

kneeling before America’s National Anthem not only shows disrespect for freedom from tyranny, it also shows disrespect for those veterans and current members of the military who fight/fought for the freedom of this country. Having a sort of Father-In-Law who served in the United States Navy, I can understand the intolerance of such an act.

Since Kaepernick’s kneeling, 27 – ish more black men and *even more white men* have been shot by police.

Here is why I think, when it appears to happen unjustly, that it happens in the first place. It all dates back to equality. Stay with me here. Black people are disenfranchised. So much so that a black person wearing a hoody looks more sketchy than a white person wearing a hoody. Want to know why? Black people live in impoeverished areas where drugs are found. Where weapons are used more frequently. Where issues with the police are frequent. I’d venture to guess there aren’t as many Armani suit wearing black people as there are black people in hoodies and baggy jeans.

Black people shuld never be profiled. I am against that. There are many good white people and many bad white people. Same for any race. But what black people need to realize – and everyone for that matter, is that they created their own circle swinging culture of this behavior themselves. They call each other the ‘N’ word, which is the most demoralizing and disrespectful word anyone could call them. They shoot EACH OTHER, and have problems with each other in their own communities. They perpetuate the violence *themselves*. I don’t know of many other races who call themselves by disparaging names and then shoot each other. White people have originally created this inequality that exists (don’t tell me it doesn’t exist), but black people have taken and run with it.

Kneel for the Anthem that has nothing to do with the improverished, the profiled, the men who look suspicious. But just know that the Anthem has everything to do with staying united, being one, working toward the good of man, freedom, and the ability to love all for all they are.

The flag still stood after battle, and it will always stand at stporting events regardless of what you believe in. It’s always going to be there. Will you still take a knee 20 years from now while it still stands? If so, it’s message will still be clear.


Oh, Utah.

Utah drivers are the worst. THE WORST. I remember reading a statistical poll that concluded Idaho had the worst drivers. I agree that Idaho drives like morons, it is true – however, I think Utah needed to be #1 on the list for bad driving.

When I moved here, I was appalled. Coming from WA where the traffic is terrible in the Seattle metro area, and people drive like crap over in Spokane due to the Idaho influence, I expected the population to be a lot better at operating moving vehicles. I was wrong.

I was made to take a computer test (why do they still refer to them as ‘written tests’?) before I could get my license in Utah. I think they seem to blame the out-of-staters for the driving issues, but if we have to take a test and native Utahns don’t, then there goes that theory right out the window.

Here is a non-comprehensive list of items that need work:

  1. Running red lights. Every day at least once, I see people running a red light. It is completely dangerous and ridiculous.
  2. Speeding. I am a fan of doing the speed limit. They wouldn’t set the limits at what they are if they didn’t think it wasn’t the safest possible. Plus, who wants a speeding ticket? Not I.
  3. Cutting people off. No one leaves any room between themselves and the car in front of them, so when people are merging over, it is a necessity to cut someone off. Leave more room between yourselves, people! Ever hear of the two car length rule? Because I live in Utah, I use about 2.5 car lengths. Just to be on the safe side. You never know.
  4. Driving while talking on their phone. I see this every so often, and usually the person is driving like an asshole. I’ll see someone do something stupid, and then when passing by, I’ll glance to see who it is (we all do this, c’mon) and usually it is someone on the cellphone.
  5. Big trucks parking like dipshits. Ok, so this isn’t related to the vehicle actually moving, but it is quite annoying. I think this is a problem everywhere (except Seattle where they shirk large trucks – in fact, you see a lot of scooters and egg-cars in Seattle more than anything). Next time you see a monster truck parked in the lot, check out how they parked. They are either taking up two spaces with their truck bed, or taking up two, maybe even 3 spaces with their sloppy angle. Not a fan.

Those are just a few things I hate about Utah driving. There are more, but those are my top 5 pet peeves.

I’d like to see a new list come out of the worst drivers, and have Utah be included as the #1 for worst. It would be highly accurate.

I live in Utah now.

I just keep repeating that sentence to myself. I live in Utah now. I live in Utah now. WHAT THE HOLY FUCK I live in Utah now?! It is starting to set in.

My mate, after moving and unpacking for a few days, flew back to WA to clean the old apartment up there, and to house sit for the Doctor one last time (or not, depending if she can fly her up to do it again sometime). I am alone, in a new city. I have a job I am starting to get ahold of. It is pretty complicated, but I am working on it.

My mate originally was going to work with me, too, and was legit hired by my company. Then was told a few weeks later sorry, we found someone else for the spot. What the hell? What company just re-nigs on their offer? So not cool. So that made me upset. My mate upset, too.

The TV of course stopped working. I am purchasing a new one from craigslist, and I have a brand new universal remote coming thursday, so that should be pretty cool.

Anyway back to the issue at hand: Utah.

Salt Lake City (where I now live… whoa!) is #7 smoggiest city in the country. You can tell, too. Its a big hazy out there. So not great air quality. We have some things in our apartment that need addressed, but the manager doesn’t really ever get back to you about anything, and when he does, its about at least 2 days later. And he doesn’t live on-site so its hard to reach him.

The drivers are so crazy here! they picked up every bad habit from all the states where they drive like idiots. The peed limits are so high though, its no wonder they speed. I mean 70mph through the city?? 65 in the suburbs? Wow! Who was on crack making these limits? My car naturally wants to do 60 through the city, because thats what feels safer, but people will either smash into you or honk if you go that slow. Its insane here, really.

Our apartment is pretty cool. Its bigger than the last place in WA. Its got a laundry room with washer & dryer hookups. Big kitchen with lots of storage… lots of storage everywhere, in fact. Its nice. Less cramped feeling now!

I have only been here a week so I still have the “I miss Washington” jitters, but after a while I am sure I will settle in nicely. And I am proud of myself. Tonight on the way home (I work 7pm – 1am) I took the wrong exit but automatically knew how to get home. And it worked. I’m catching on!


Rent is more expensive here though so I have to be more careful with money. Only eat food at home. Don’t spend money unless it is on practical things that we need, etc. I am using light only when I need it, and using about 3-4 minute showers (we have electricity for everything except hot water — that is gas for some reason).

Anyway, thats about it for now. I’ll update as time goes on and we adjust more to the place. So far I like it. I miss the clouds though!


Oh, and its weird… I’ve encountered 3 or 4 people just in 1 week who used to live in WA. How odd!


Salt Lake City Skyline, Utah

New ‘celebrity’ crush

Yes yes it is true. I have a crush on Amanda Knox. You know, the girl who was on trial in Italy for allegedly killing her roommate with the help of her boyfriend. She was found guilty and put in jail for 4 years based on very poor forensic testing… then appealed and was freed. She came home to Seattle, now Italy is saying she is guilty all over again. Ugh. Leave the poor woman alone.


Anyway, she is very beautiful and grown up!! She is 27 now, and when all this initially went down, she was 20 I think.


I want to read her book and send her a note or letter saying that I know she’s been through the ringer, but that I respect and admire her for hanging in there so wonderfully. That takes some serious ovaries, I say!!



Spokane, WA. It is where I live now, with my mate. In 2010, exasperated by the high cost of living in the Seattle metro area, we decided to move to Washington State’s 2nd largest city, 6 hours away. Spokane. My mate’s aunt lives here, and we had come for a visit in June of 2010 for her aunt’s birthday, and did some exploring. We liked it enough that we decided to move here.

After living here for almost 4 years, I can say that it has been very interesting. There are some odd things about this city that stump me and I can’t figure out. Mostly, the people. There are a lot of homeless people, and there is a mission close by with empty beds. This mission, as long as you are alcohol and drug-free, will help you get back on your feet. But instead, across the street from our apartment, they set up camp in the trees and bushes, drinking and drugging. The cops don’t care. There are not many cops in the area to begin with, and they have other things to deal with, such as daily shootings in various neighborhoods across the city.

A lady was murdered about 100 yard from my apartment in 2012. It turns out the murderer was in the apartments across the street from us the whole time, and the cops had said they “canvassed the area” and this guy fit the description of the murderer exactly. Before the woman died, she told a construction worker the details of his appearance. It was only 3 months later that he was caught, as he tried to beat a lady over the head with a mallot on the Centennial trail (again not too far from our apartments) and a landscaper caught him and held him until the police came.

Then there is the smoking. In Seattle I rarely saw people smoking cigarettes. Not many people did. And if they did, they hid it pretty well, and everyone always talked about wanting to quit, and often would, if they smoked to begin with. But Spokane.. has got to have the largest population of cigarette smokers I’ve ever seen. I wonder if its because the poverty of the city resulted in a lack of proper education, but I can’t be sure. It seems like everyone I meet, everyone I work with, smokes. It is a crazy amount, and it is disgusting.

Besides the smoking problem there is also a pedestrian problem. This leads to a  major hit and run problem. People in this city like to, instead of using crosswalks, cross at random places, often when cars are indeed coming their way, and they often dart out in front of cars, as though kamikaze. This results in at least one hit-and-run per day. In fact, a week or so ago about 800 yards from my apartment, some homeless man at 4:AM was crossing the bridge to get down to the river (no crosswalk there, at all) and a car hit him. Then another car hit him. Then another car hit him. Then another car hit him. And then, finally, another car hit him. After being hit by 5 different cars, the man of course died, and no one has found any of the perpetrators. They all drove away as fast as they could.

Neighbors. It seems like there is a very high turnover in our apartment complex. We’ve been here the whole time we’ve lived in this city, and I’ve seen maybe 10 different tenants in the apartment unit next door, and perhaps as many in the other units in my building. Every single family or person that has moved in, has been extremely loud at terrible hours, or obnoxious. 2 bed room apartments with a mom, dad, and  4 kids… trashy people who look methed out… its just really sketchy and we keep wondering why our landlord allows these people to rent here. We’ve had to make several emails and calls to her in the middle of the night to report some serious noise disturbances like wild parties, loud music, domestic violence, and screaming children. Our bedroom is unfortunately next to the stairs, and the stairs themselves are not quiet ones (I am a quiet walker and I still make noise on them, unintentionally). So when other people who are NOT conscientious lumber down the stairs (and by that I mean run and yell loudly while doing it), it wakes us up if we’re asleep, or annoys us if we are at home during the day relaxing. We’ve all but given up.

There is also a major tailgating problem in this city. In Seattle it was necessary to tailgate otherwise you would be smashed by another car, as traffic was so tight there, and there were jams everywhere. Here, there is comparitively not as much traffic at all, and yet people will ride up your tailpipe without a second thought. There is so much room here to drive, not like Seattle – the streets are wide, there’s not a huge population (the city itself is 210,500 and the metro area is about 500,000) so its not like traffic is squished in. But people here will ride your asshole like they’re in a hurry. And this is especially odd: whenever I put my blinker on to make a RIGHT hand turn, from the right hand lane, the person behind me, no matter how far back or close they are, always switches into the left lane, as though they couldn’t possibly wait the 2 seconds it takes me to turn right. The reason eludes me.

Spokane is definitely weird, and its by no means ‘home’. Its a stop over until our real life can begin. I d know Spokane has some redeeming qualities, such as the Riverfront Park and the Riverside State Park. There is Green Bluff nearby where a coalition of agricultre growers banded together to form an area where you can go to different numbered farms and ranches and pick your own fruit and veggies, or buy pre-picked, or have wine tastings, etc.. and there is also a really great bookstore nearby, downtown. The centennial trail, minus the sketchy people sometimes on it, is pretty cool to walk to downtown from home. Its only a 3 mile walk.

But Spokane is.. unique, and I will never really get used to its idiosyncrasies.


I don’t usually write poems.

While taking my medicine this morning I started singing, randomly, (I was at home alone) and wrote it down when I was done:



They say they make me feel so good
I don’t feel like I should
they make me drool all day
make me dream the day away
but they say its better for me now
I dont scream and shout
pick fights or lie
cuss, scream, or cry
but I am just who I am
its all about freedom
just wanna be an american

An american like me





The Holiday Season

I am one of those people who, for the most part, celebrates Christmas but isn’t a Christian. I am more of a spiritual being; a lightworker, some would call it. But I believe Jesus was a real man who spread the word of love and giving and kindness. He was the ultimate human being, and God could be considered his ‘father’, since God or ‘The Source’ is all of our ‘father’s. We are all connected in this universe, together. We are all a peice of this puzzle, so kindness to others is of the utmost importance, and he knew that, and he preached that.

But I do not celebrate Christmas necessarily to reflect on Jesus’ birth. Instead, I celebrate it as a blanket holiday that covers all religions, and non-religions.. all customs and all celebrations, in my own way. I do the tree thing, (I will NOT have Christmas without a tree), I do the food thing. I do the presents thing. So it sounds like a typical christian thing right?

The summary of the holiday is this: The Romans turned from pagan to catholic, and went on their crusades destroying those who refused to convert to christianity. the harbringers of death, if you will. The pagans celebrated the winter solstice around the 22nd in their private ceremonies, and had big holiday feasts and fun on the 25th collectively.The romans thought they’d not only kill the people, but ill the solstice holiday/ceremony by naming December 25 as ‘Christmas’ , or the birthday of Jesus Christ, their savior.  Their real christian holiday was celebrated in January before this. So really no one knows when his birthday is but scholar’s have suggested it is in the springtime. (

Anyway, I am getting off course here. I think the holiday should be celebrated by all religions, if not officially then unofficially, for just recognizing the kindness of others and the kindness within yourself. Have some hot cocoa, have a dinner with family, watch some christmas movies for fun, go sledding if its snow outside. It is nothing to shun, nor is it something that fundamentalist christians in the United States would have bolstered up on a pedestal, claiming that there is a ‘war on christmas’ and those who do not explicitly say “Merry Christmas” and instead deem it more appropriate to include all cultures with “Happy Holidays”, should cease to exist or quietly go lay down in a cold grave somewhere.

I think no matter who you are, or where you are, the tradition can just be a fun time to spend with those you love, in remembrance, or memorial, perhaps, of someone you believe may or may not have actually existed. Likewise, what harm is it to say “Happy Holidays” to everyone you come across, in case you come across someone who doesn’t celebrate it? There is always a happy medium to most problems, and I think coming together in this one is crucial to put aside differences.

So Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, And have fun celebrating whatever the hell you want to, whenever you want to, because in essence, it all comes down to happiness and love.


Polar Bear in a Santa Hat


The Chosen One

One day when I was about 3 or 4 years old (1982 or 1983) my mom was running the bath for me. She stepped out of the bathroom for a few moments while I got undressed. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming inclination to peer at my hands. I turned them over and over, looking at them with sudden awe. And in my head, I thought to myself with extreme clarity: “Wow… they put me  in the body of a human.”

This memory has kept with me eversince. A bit of a smaller memory, meaning a little foggier and less stunning, was the out of body experiences that I had at nighttime around the same age. What else does one do when they are 3/4 years old and can do anything they want because their body is still asleep in bed? That’s right… jump on the bed looking down at yourself, because mom can’t hear you.

Growing up, I always had this strange feeling in the back of my mind that I was ‘different’. I have had a lot of psychic experiences, and my mother used to be a practicing psychic. She helped solve a murder mystery once. Well, she found the location of the body, anyway. They already knew who did it, but not where he’d hid the body. Anyway, so I’ve always been around this type of enviornment in some way or another (this is all true, my dad, who “doesn’t believe this stuff” became a believer after my mom made him see things in a crystal ball).

In the spring of 2011 I began taking my first antipsychotic. It was called Geodon and it made me manic. I had my first true manic experience (always before it was just hypomania which lead me to believe I had type II bipolar at first). I was obsessed with the idea that I was “chosen” to lead a path of extreme spiritual teaching. In other words, I felt that I had insight – a gift – to share with others. I began feriously researching chakras and chi, and energy healing on the internet. Sleep? Who needs it, I’m a prophet, baby!

Once the episode passed (incidentally, I threw that Geodon out the window, (not literally) because it made me unbearably foggy and sleepy and it was dangerous for me to drive or hold a penicl), the idea that I was some sort of spiritual guru had stayed with me but was in the very back of my mind, like a little tiny gnawing gerbil who had barely an impact on me. It was no longer an overwhelming aspect of my psyche.

But recently, as in this past summer, I began to get ‘on that train’ again. I read a book about the afterlife. I think it was called “A World Beyond” something ominous like that. It was written by a woman who was taken over by her friend who had passed on. His name is Arthur, and he wrote the book through her. I then began to research the things he said, and I found that most OBE’s and NDE’s as well as other books where people have spoken through psychics – the experiences were all eerily similar. So I began to take serious stock in the words.

I can finally tell you I am able to teach, as a result. The thing is… people won’t listen. They can’t listen. The majority of people on this planet are what I call “of the world” meaning their mindset is a result of the experiences they can see, hear, touch, and taste. their experiences are molded by video games, or the way their mother taught them “no” by beating them with a stick. Their experiences were taught to them in a structured form, in a classroom, or in a church. Indoctrinated, essentially, by the world around them.

The majority of people can’t hear me, because if they chose to hear me, their entire world – all they know, all they believe, all they want to do.. would be turned upside down. No longer would they allow hate to consume them, no longer would they breed inequality and injustices. No longer would people put themselves over the needs or wants of any other person or animal.

And the reason simply is because everything we’re doing is slowly turning away from the real reason we are here. The actual fundamental reason that He/She/It (the ultimate energy, the creator, the all-knowing – some call it “God”) invented us and put us through these tests is unknown and may forever be unknown. We are not to worry, however, about that part of it. the part we are to worry is how much love and light we’re letting into our earthly lives.

We are repeatedly born into bodies of our choosing to complete one simple task: To create and be the ultimate love. To simply learn to love against all odds. To essentially be Ghandi, or the Dhali Llama. (When I was young, I thought the Dahli Llama was a painting of a llama done by Salvadore Dali). To be the best, most loving, honest, full-of-light that you can possibly be. THAT is the ultimate goal, when the soul is able to transcend all ‘levels’ of the afterlife and live with the ultimate energy source (that creator that most people call ‘God’).

For, after our bodies expire, we go through a sort of transition period, where we are taken to the afterlife (some call it heaven while i have also heard it called “summerland”) and re-introduced. If in your last life you were depressed and committed suicide, or your soul was aligned improperly to the wrong vibrations *cough* Hitler *cough* you won’t be seeing the wonderous heaven that is expected or known to most, you will see the darkness of your own imagination, and perhaps never break free, or break free finally when you realize that you had the power to change all along, but thought yourself hopeless instead. I never liked the Beatles (I know, GASP from all, right?) but its true.. all you need is love.

Once there, you may be brought about by a special someone that you knew in your past, or someone very close like your mother from your most recent life. Either way, you will probably recognize them. You can re-introduce yourself, for a time, to all the freedom and love you suddenly feel – explore around (as you’ve done probably many times before without remembering) and say hello to long friends past.

Then you get to review your life and figure out the mistakes you met. Contrary to popular belief, God does not do this for you. There is no judgement other than your own. You are the sole witness of your most recent past life, its ups and downs. Then you have to figure out what you did wrong, what you did right, and how you can make it even better next time around. You have that ultimate goal to accomplish, remember.

So then you go to “school”. Where you learn how to grow and resolve your past errors. You can also choose to stay longer in the afterlife (there is no ‘time’ so nothing is hurried) and help with research. What this means is you can invent things and the project the ideas down to those who are receptive. Where do you think Einstein came up with his theory of relativity? He was asleep when the idea ‘struck’ him 🙂

Each life has a specific goal, which is part of the ultimate goal. To accomplish this, we need to learn to live with the light of love in our hearts. But in this world we live in now… that seems almost impossible. I wish I didn’t have these doubts. But I do. That is an error, on my part, because I should be full of love. But I too, am of the world.