This lithium stuff is great. As long as you drink a lot of water everyday. Anyway, I feel stable for the first time, and the longest time, in a very long while. But now I’m beginning to feel confused. Am I bored with life now that there’s no “manic drama”? Was I so used to being manic that I still exhibit rotten personality traits that I had when I was before? Am I bored? My mate swears something is going on.

In other news, I got a car finally. It needs a new catalytic converter so my step-dad sent me some $ to get that fixed. Then I can get emissions done, and then get my tabs and license plates and be a big girl driver. It’s a red 2001 Toyota Rav4, and I like it. My ¬†friend Crissy named it God Almighty.



Gain and Lose

I seem to be evening out and cracking even. I keep going from 174 to 170 in terms of weight. I exercise, eat small portions of healthy food.. I don’t get it. *sigh* I got to keep on keepin’ on, I guess.

The weather here in Spokane is odd. One day it will be 70 and the next, 50 and rainy. Hard to go for walks or bicycle rides when you don’ t know when it will rain on you.

Well my mate got a 98% on her final, and that is an A+ meaning she’s kept her 4.0! I am so proud of her. Took her to Red Lobster for lunch yesterday.

Did I mention I finally got in contact with my dad after nearly a year? Turns out his e-mail changed the layout and he couldn’t find his address book, and he got a new phone and it didn’t have the #’s plugged into it, so he couldn’t call. I guess he was worried about me since I never reached out to HIM. I thought he was ignoring me, for whatever reason. His dog died, she was his best friend, so he’s not doing so great. He is sad. I will e-mail him today.

I’ve been doing knee strengthening exercises to stabilize my knee, but the only thing that helps the pain is to walk on it for a while. After 5-10 minutes of walking on it, the pain dissipates slightly. It still hurts but it tolerable at that point. Pretty sure I tore a ligament. Based on the anatomy of the knee that I studied carefully at many medical journal sites, I have come to that conclusion.

In other news I have a new female crush: Amanda Knox. You know, the girl who was on trial for a murder in Italy that she did not commit? She was 20 when that all went down at first but now she is 27 and HOT. My goodness. She has a book out about what happened and stuff, I am thinking of getting it and reading it.


I think that is it for my life for now. Nothing exciting or worth writing about, really.

The Finger (No, not that one)

So I drifted through life pretty much from the time I was born to about the time I was 26. Well, even after 26 I still drifted, but the finger of god had not taken notice of me until then, and didn’t start directing my life until then. Before that, I wandered aimlessly – in high school not knowing what I wanted to “be when I grow up”, going to college for 3 months and failing out, going to raves and hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing things I regret.

But in 2007 it all started to slowly change. I had been living in this lady’s house in Bothell for a few months with my roommate that I’d brought with me from the last place I’d lived. I met a girl over Myspace who was moving up from Arizona and knew nobody and had no agenda, so I invited her to come visit. She ended up staying at the house, and after a few days of being interested in me, she turned and began to date the lady we lived with. The girl turned on me, and hated me for no apparent reason. Long story short, she also later turned on the lady of the house, and the girl and I moved out and got our own apartment in Lynnwood. We were ‘friends’ again, (superficially, I think) and it was nice to have our own place.

We had a house warming party, and I invited this other girl I met on myspace to come to the party. She ended up coming back a few days later stating her friend kicked her out of her apartment in Seattle and had nowhere to stay. So the girl I lived with offered up her bed (as a friend) saying she could live with us. then about a week later, no shit, on myspace (my profile was the first one that came up when you typed “seattle lesbian”, I was later told) another girl was moving to Enumclaw South of Seattle from Connecticut but couldn’t bring her cat with her, because her girlfriend’s dad, whom they were to live with, didn’t like cats and she wanted someone to watch her kitten. So I took the kitten in. He lived with me for approximately 1 week before the girl, we will call her Monistat, told me she’d broken up with her girlfriend and had nowhere to stay. So, no shitting you here, I offered up my bed, as a friend, and she stayed with us.

A little later on, the first girl moved out – we’ll give her a funny name, lets call her.. hmm.. Star. Star moved back to Arizona because she had a new girlfriend down there. The other girl, the one she shared her room with, lets call her.. hmm… Lisa. Lisa brought her brother to stay with us, and we had told her no we wouldn’t like that. He said he’d do chores and pay us rent but he never did, and he was fresh from prison. So we told both of them to get out. Then Monistat and I had the place to ourselves, (we were dating at this time).

Soon, though, a problem arose. She had a dog, and I hadn’t paid a deposit for any dog (nor the cats). A neighbor tattled to the manager that they say Monistat’s dog taking a crap outside in the bushes and going back into our apartment. I was sent a bill for $400 pet deposit. The trouble is, we had 1 month left on our lease and were planning to move when it was up. We didn’t want to pay $400 (non-refundable) and then move the next month. So I tried telling them that the dog had just come to visit once, and didn’t live there with us. they didn’t care. The apartment manager said that once a dog enters the unit, we owe $400. WOW!

So here’s where the finger officially made itself known. One night, before the lease was up, we packed all our shit into our cars, borded our cats, and high-tailed it out of there. We had no place to go, so we ended up homeless and camping. We camped for 2 weeks before getting kicked out of the camping park, and stayed at a hotel. We were going to camp again, but then Monistat’s boss offered up an extra bedroom for us to stay in at his house on Capitol Hill in Seattle, while we looked for a place.

We stayed there about 2 weeks until the boss, we’ll call him.. Keith? Yeah thats a good name. keith. We stayed there until Keith said an apartment right down the hill from him had an opening. We went to look at it, and even though it was a 450 sq foot studio and we had a dog, 2 rats and a cat (she was a dumbass and lost her kitten somewhere in her horses’ barn so we just had my cat now), we took the place.

I had never ever seriously considered moving into the big city before.. I have always been a suburb type girl. But suddenly I found myself in the midst of activity, people, fun. I had a well paying job and a short commute (20 minutes north). I had a girlfriend and life was good. Until it wasn’t anymore.

The day after I turned 30 we broke up. We just were growing apart and it wasn’t working anymore. We got back together a week later for about a week and then, it was truly over. but we tried to stay friends/roommates in that little tiny studio. After about 2 months of this I couldn’t take it anymore, and, being bipolar, my meds gave out on me. I was later told I had a ‘mixed state’ (both depressed and manic all at once – crying, sad, but angry, agressive, thoughts racing, etc). It was bad. I had terrible thoughts of doing terrible things to myself, I had arguements in my head with some random disjoined entity, I was paranoid.Ii ended up being escorted out of the building at work by the cops and paramedics and taken to the hospital one day. i was out of work for 2 months, and tried to recover at my mother’s house, but I didn’t stay there long. I went back to Seattle, for some reason, thinking I’d be ok. I remember I started to feel better, and decided to take control of my life. (Little did I know that at this point, something much higher than me was taking control). I responded to an ad on Craigslist for a nice lesbian girl, we’ll call her Hannah, looking for other lesbian friends to hang out with. I thought, perfect, I need friends!! We emailed back and forth a bit and she sounded nice so we agreed to meet up. After I got to her place, she told me we were going to go out to pizza and meet up with another girl who had responded to the ad too. We get to the pizza place and met up with the other girl. The other girl turned out to be the wonderful and beautiful girl that I am with today – my soulmate.

At first we were just friends… the girl (we’ll call her Lauren) and I would go to coffee together and just talk.. and we’d go to bookstores and walk around and it was just really nice to have a good friend. Eventually Hannah’s paranoia (I think she was schizophrenic) freaked us out a little, and we actually ended up freaking HER out and she never spoke to us again… but that’s beside the point. I moved out of the little apartment and away from my ex, and into a rental house with 3 other boys (ugh, it was hell living there too).

Anyway so eventually the girl, Lauren, slept over one night, and told me, in a very subtle way, that she liked me as more than a friend. I didn’t quite get it, so later she had to tell me again and I finally understood. It was that day, Friday November 13 will live in history. Our anniversary.

So thats not the end of it. ¬†We eventually both moved into her great aunt’s basement, and then moved to Spokane, WA for a fresh start. We were looking for jobs, we didn’t have much money to live on without one, and I managed to snag a really shitty call center job, and Lauren kept looking. We’d dropped off a resume at this place that was not hiring, a feline veterinary hospital that had a good vibe to it. She liked it, and I had a good feeling about it, even though they were lackluster in giving the resume to anyone and said they were not hiring. She just so happened to plug their phone # into her phone, which she never usually does (she barely even uses phones) so it was magic when they called her and she knew it was them so she picked up. And she got the job.

And now… a little over 4 years later, she is saying goodbye to more than 14 years of veterinary medicine.. and looking foward now. She will focus her energy on her studies, and we will celebrate with joy when the finger leads us to Colorado, and she can start her career.

We both reflected upon the finger today after waking up from a night of intermittent sleep. We both had figured out that the finger controls our destiny, and that it all started, for both of us, in 2007, slowly and intricately weaving its way to this very moment we’re in right now.

I never really thought about destiny before. I always just let life happen to me. But now I know there’s a purpose, a purpose for everyone and everything, and the finger leads us all around. We have free will, of course, but there’s a little pre-planning that must go on, such as putting us on a path and seeing which way we’ll turn. Me and Lauren turned into each other, and the rest will go down in history.